I am a nutter

Oh my goodness. I think I have forgotten how to relax. I have been up since 7. It's 11.30am. I have helped Charlie get ready for work. This is the second blog post I have written. I wrote an email/a novel to my niece, I have applied for the unemployed student benefit, I have looked into applying for a Masters scholarship, I have emailed two potential referee's and supervisors (one's already said yes to both, yay!) and played sims online. I also compliled a list of possible things to do because I couldn't handle not having any plans. Hehe I'm a nutter.

An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.

It's over, I'm done

That's all I have to say right now, I'm exhausted.

Onwards and upwards to victory

In the words of lecturer and supervisor, I am "onwards and upwards to victory!" Or something like that anyway. After a slightly nightmarish situation with the university computers and printing i handed in my social theory essay. I don't think it is very good, I deleted a good chunk and there was an even larger chunk I would have liked to write but didn't because of the word limit. Anyway, I have let it go. when it gets to the point of handing it in I am so involved and removed from it at the same time that I have no idea how good it is. Anyway, 'another one bites the dust' yay :) Now all I have left is a few more read throughs and edits of my research project. It's kind of neat that it is the last to hand in because it has been the most difficult, is the biggest, is my favourite, and I am most proud of it.

I like myself

I like myself and I like the way I write, I don't think there are many people in honours who write the way I do and I take some pride in that, even though it may make me a little unsure at times. Here is the current beginning to the introduction of my social theory/third wave feminism essay:

When I was a teenager I would pump the music of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre through my headphones wherever I went, I would scrawl their lyrics across my school books, and when I grew up I wanted to be Kathleen Hanna.

P.s: it must be working because I just found out for my second data analysis essay I got a 'provisional A' (that means it is still to go to moderation and the grade might change, but that's what my lecturer thinks my work is worth so I'm pretty proud :) )

Pink Floyd

Listening to Wish You Were Here in stereo, as loud as it goes, on my headphones, is good for my soul. That is all.

I'm inspired

As you know I woke up tired but now 6 hours later I am also inspired. I got to talk to my best friend and my mum :) I made a pact with my mum today that even though we were both feeling a bit cruddy about not doing as much as we had hoped we would not 'self flagellate' today. Spending 7 years of my life going to a catholic school I find I would definitely 'self flagellate' if I had promised not to and did. Makes sense? probably not. Anyway, having that outlook along with a good talk about loving yourself with my bestest friend I have felt a lot lighter and my mind has been clearer. I feel inspired, I feel content, and I feel good about myself :) Now I am going to eat a bit of chocolate and I am going to enjoy it. Have a nice day :)