Something more positive

Today was my first day back at uni. Since I was 'knee high to a grasshopper' I always found it hard going back to school, I was always struck by this irrational anxiety, and it was no different today, especially seeing as I missed the first week being sick.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep no matter what I tried, I just couldn't turn my thoughts off. This morning I ignored my alarm going off every ten minutes, each time making me jump, and I yelled at Charlie when he told me to get up. Hearing myself yelling at him when he was just trying to help was the fright I needed to get out of bed. I have to say I am a little bit proud, even though it looked a little like rain and I couldn't find my mp3 player I didn't make puppy eyes at Charlie until he took me to Uni, instead I walked (wearing my headphones to keep my ears warm and to look like the cool kids) and I felt good. On the way past the park I noticed the teeny green shoots of daffodils were starting to grow and I couldn't help but feel hopeful.

I enjoyed being back in classes, I enjoyed the discussions and I enjoyed sitting back and watching the show. I spoke up when I felt like it and I wasn't filled with hatred when the person I have difficulty spoke.

Again I felt good and I felt proud.

I have been feeling terrible lately, disregarding being sick, I have felt extra sensitive, socially anxious, stressed, and to be honest a little crazy. But today I have been thinking and it seems that sometimes when you are feeling your weakest you are at your strongest. I have wanted to quit and I have wanted to hide under the covers and even though the temptation is still there, I am 'acting opposite'. This year, doing honours, is the most difficult and testing thing I have ever done and yet I am doing it.

With all these thoughts running through my mind I decided to do something I had been avoiding, getting my essay back and finding out my mark. I went up to the office, I smiled at the office lady, I asked for my essay, I got my essay. I walked rather quickly to the stairs, I walked more quickly down the stairs, my heart was racing, this would be my first mark of the year, I got to about the 6th floor, I started to take a quick peek at the pages, I saw it, A-. I almost squealed, then I almost cried.

I am doing the right thing, I am probably not going to fail the year, and I am proud!