Kindness

At the moment I am working on kindness.

It is important for me to be kind to myself, to be compassionate. While I often think I am being kind to myself, I think in reality I'm not. Either I am beating myself up for not being that special kind of perfect I reserve only for myself or I am using being kind to myself as an excuse for not looking after me. I want to be kind to myself by celebrating my successes, being proud of me, by giving myself opportunities to enjoy life and by doing those 'looking after'y things that make me feel better, that make me healthy.

At the same time, I am also realising that when I was sick I was unable to really consider anyone else. And now I am recovering I am able to really consider people and start repaying the incredible kindness and compassion I have been shown. I want to really think about people, really listen and do those things I am able to do that will make them feel good.

This also means balance, something else I am working on.

Something wonderful

Something wonderful is happening. I am starting to want to learn again. I didn't realise until I began to get better but when I was sick I lost the interest in learning. I lost my passion to know and I forgot how it felt to have a 'brainsplosion'.

One night I was watching Stephen Fry's Planet Word and all of a sudden I was inspired, my brain was awoken to all these new and incredible ideas and possibilities, I had had a brainsplosion. Since then, or possibly before it's not so important, I have began to be interested in learning things again. Not just becoming interested in things again, but wanting to bring new things into my life. For me this is a big and wonderful deal. You might be able to tell that just writing this I am filling with excitement.

Not everything is shinny and beautiful for me, I still feel down, anxious and frightened sometimes, probably more than the average person. But now my days are peppered with this wonderful desire to learn new things, to try new things, to do new things. I want to learn to sew, I already have a list of ideas I  want to sew and give to the people I love. I want to learn to embroider so I can make those ideas even more pretty. I want to learn to become a better cook and baker, I want to try new recipes, I want to make my own. I want to learn to be a better writer, I want to write, there is so, so very much I want to write. I want to learn to draw and get some of my creativity out of me and onto a piece of paper. I want to learn about language, linguistics. I want to read up on all sorts of incredible subjects.

More than anything else I want to learn and I want to try. I cannot explain how incredible a feeling this is for me, it really, really is wonderful! For me it means hope. But also, it means celebrating and caring for my brain and my mind.This is a difficult thing for me because if I am honest I have not forgiven my brain for those chemical imbalances that had put me and my loved ones through so much and that will likely put me through some more. Learning to live in peace, understanding with my brain is something scary and something wonderful.

Every body needs love

I have always thought of myself as having a healthy body image, I have never been particularly concerned with my appearance, but everybody has those days when they just don't like who they see in the mirror. And so I still have some lessons to learn when it comes to loving myself inside and out.
Kjerstin Guys (an amazing woman), has helped me on this road by beginning a series on her blog called 'Healthy Body Image Wednesdays'. This Wednesday was the first and she began by sharing 10 steps to positive body image and I absolutely love them!

 

I love these steps because anybody could benefit by taking them, including me. 

Appreciating all your body can do, is something that is really important to me, having a brother with severe physical and intellectual disabilities I have always been acutely aware of the fact that my body can do things his can't, but appreciating my body for being able to do those things is another step I sometimes struggle to take. That being said, lately when I am feeling particularly anxious, noticing all my body is able to do (despite the anxiety) is a great comfort to me. I love the way my body breathes, whether deeply or shallowly, no matter what and I love to walk and feel my arms swing at my side without consciously telling them to.

There is so much I could say about each of these steps but I want to give myself time to really consider them, I don't want to rush in and then forget all about them tomorrow. I want to work on the way I view myself, not just my body but all of me, I think that maybe I deserve more love from me.

Chapter One?

I would like to write about what I went through when I was/since I was/while I have been sick. What I write sick I mean sick both physically but also seriously mentally unwell.  I would like to write about it but I am nervous to relive it, to live it too vividly, but also, there is very little I remember. At that point of my life, I was not a conscious participant; I was in it alright, deep in it, but perhaps too deep to see.

As I am writing this I imagine the deep, deep black sea they show on television documentaries the only light is that of the lure of the anglerfish, that hideous creature that draws prey towards it trapping them in its razor sharp teeth. All I remember is a deep fear enveloping my whole body, being in a constant state of confusion and incomprehension at what was happening to me and why. C knew when I was being drawn towards terror’s sharp teeth because my pupils rapidly flickered back at forth and more often than not he was able to bring me back to a relatively safe distance. I still went to work and even did some work. I worked despite the hour long waves of fear crashing over me, filling me with the almost overwhelming urge to run, to hide, the need to get out. But no matter where I went I couldn’t escape. My mind, what I now know was my chemically imbalanced mind, was imprisoning and torturing me. 

This is all very dramatic, at times I laughed, I felt pure joy. But quickly after I slipped into a depression or was hit by another wave of fear married with incomprehension as to why I felt that way, and soon after was filled with the guilt for not being happy. I remember sitting on a beautiful beach with C, watching the waves gently rolling in and out, feeling the sun on my face, noticing my breathing and able only to focus on the barks of dogs in the distance and feeling only guilt and the urge to leave, to go somewhere, but nowhere being good enough.

There is more I wanted to write about but right now I cant remember what that more is. Something that needs to be said though, is that am really proud that I have just written at least some of what I went through. I am proud because to me, that fact I was able to write about what I went through then, although it was only a few months ago, is so far from my current reality that I can look back without getting sucked into that deep deep blackness.

 It feels good.

'One of those days'

Today has been 'one of those days'. One of those days you wake up feeling tired. One of those days you are late for work because nothing you put on feels right and when you look in the mirror you don't see yourself. One of those days you spill the last of the cereal on the floor and forget your lunch. One of those days you don't feel welcome at work. One of those days you feel compelled to sit under the desk but know it wouldn't be approved of so you stay slumped in your chair. One of those days not even a raspberry brownie can heal. One of those days talking to your mum makes you sob in  public, sitting under a tree  and one of those days you walk back in to work with puffy red eyes.

But today has also been one of those days that a letter from your mum can set your heart fluttering, and the pictures of rabbits with speech bubbles  included have you giggling out loud on the bus, and the parsley seeds inside fill you with excitement and anticipation. Today has also been one of those days that you are sure of the fact that you are loved and supported. Today has also been one of those days that a text from your sister can fill you with so much love you can almost feel the hug of it.

Today has been one of those days full of emotion and feeling.

Today has been one of those days that you are reminded of the yin and yang of things.

Today is one of those days you are unbelievably glad that the good comes with the bad.

Not well

At the moment I am not well. I am sick, quite sick, I have been sick for over a week and I am only just getting energy back to the point where getting myself a glass of water doesn't feel like a massive undertaking.

But I am still not well, it turns out I'm sick, very sick, and have been getting more so for quite some time, my anxiety and depression has reached what I think is called 'crisis point'. This is terrifying . I don't remember ever feeling this fragile.

I feel as though I am made up of playing cards of tissue paper and I am trying to keep them together in gale force winds.

A while ago we went for a drive around the coast and it got really windy, it was howling and pulling the car from side to side, I watched a seagull sitting in the middle of the road take off, if it is possible for a bird to show uncertainty or even fear, that is what I saw. It rushed up as though being sucked through a giant straw, only to be spat out and thrown across the sky. At first it flapped it's wings trying hopelessly to go in the direction it intended. Then it seemed to resign itself and with it's wings out spread was sent soaring over the hills and out of sight.

While this is a pretty depressing post, the fact I am writing anything at all seems a good sign to me. I have sought help and I am being supported and am starting once more what they call my 'personal wellness journey'. It is still terrifying, perhaps even more so because to let a part of yourself hope for recovery feels a very dangerous and vulnerable thing to do. After a few days of immeasurable support and an exhausting beginning on my 'personal journey' - my mind aches as though it has bush bashed through k's of gorse riddled scrub, crossed icy rivers and dragged itself through heavy snow), I am beginning to wonder if the seagull was not sent soaring but instead was riding the wind.

Tread carefully

I am at that point, that I have been before, where I know I need to be a little careful. If I am a little careful it can be an exciting time but it is also an exhausting time. I was about to write I am in turmoil, it's dramatic and false, but in another way I do feel like my thoughts, my feelings, my unconscious, my insides are tumultuous. I feel shook up. There isn't much going on externally to make me feel this way and I only know because of a slightly painful history that I need to tread carefully. I know from experience that right now I need to be kind to myself and I need to make a few changes. I want to make a few changes and I like being kind to myself, so it is an exciting time.
I want to practise mindfulness.
I want to take pleasure in delicious and healthy food.
I want to be active.
I want to keep working on my confidence.
I want to keep in contact with people who are important to me.
I want to take pleasure in everyday activities.
I want my mummy! "Now, now Frankie you can handle this, take a deep breath and recognize that feeling in your tummy as nervous excitement". It's a time of change.