Something wonderful

Something wonderful is happening. I am starting to want to learn again. I didn't realise until I began to get better but when I was sick I lost the interest in learning. I lost my passion to know and I forgot how it felt to have a 'brainsplosion'.

One night I was watching Stephen Fry's Planet Word and all of a sudden I was inspired, my brain was awoken to all these new and incredible ideas and possibilities, I had had a brainsplosion. Since then, or possibly before it's not so important, I have began to be interested in learning things again. Not just becoming interested in things again, but wanting to bring new things into my life. For me this is a big and wonderful deal. You might be able to tell that just writing this I am filling with excitement.

Not everything is shinny and beautiful for me, I still feel down, anxious and frightened sometimes, probably more than the average person. But now my days are peppered with this wonderful desire to learn new things, to try new things, to do new things. I want to learn to sew, I already have a list of ideas I  want to sew and give to the people I love. I want to learn to embroider so I can make those ideas even more pretty. I want to learn to become a better cook and baker, I want to try new recipes, I want to make my own. I want to learn to be a better writer, I want to write, there is so, so very much I want to write. I want to learn to draw and get some of my creativity out of me and onto a piece of paper. I want to learn about language, linguistics. I want to read up on all sorts of incredible subjects.

More than anything else I want to learn and I want to try. I cannot explain how incredible a feeling this is for me, it really, really is wonderful! For me it means hope. But also, it means celebrating and caring for my brain and my mind.This is a difficult thing for me because if I am honest I have not forgiven my brain for those chemical imbalances that had put me and my loved ones through so much and that will likely put me through some more. Learning to live in peace, understanding with my brain is something scary and something wonderful.

Changes

I haven't written in a long time and I don't even know if I will publish this, I don't even know what this will be. I have a job, I have had a job for almost 6 months and it looks like I will have it for at least a year more. It's not glamorous, it's data entry - but at the least the data comes from the 1800's. Although I still feel undeniably me, I do feel as though things have changed for me and my 'education' these days is very different to what it was while I was studying. I am learning to get up at 7am Monday to Friday and go to work. I'm learning to work for 7 and a half hours a day, even when I'd rather do almost anything else. I'm learning to do everything else (dishes, washing, cooking, sleeping, relaxing, etc) I need to do outside of those hours (this I'm definitely still learning). But I'm also benefiting from things I have already learned, especially motivating myself to work.

I wrote this quite a while ago now but didn't post it. Since then I have gotten a new job, I am now an archivist, supervising 12 data entry operators. For a long time I truly loved it, for right now I enjoy it but am finding it so incredibly challenging. I am learning so so much and it's defiantly a learning process. I am learning so much I don't think I can type it all down here. But the biggest things for me at the moment are feeling confident in my knowledge and that I deserve to be an archivist and a supervisor, this is tough. I am learning to manage the difficult days and things that stress me, this is tough too and a little scary. I am scared of things getting too much and me getting unwell again. But another thing I am realising is that I need to learn to be grateful. I am lucky to have this great job and these incredible opportunities and I am grateful for having (for the most part) good mental health, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. And as I have been forced to realise lately I am grateful I am alive. I'm going to try to write a gratitude journal each day, because I need to remember the wonderful things I have in my life. I'm also going to make an effort to write on here more often, even if no one reads it (I"m not sure I want anyone to read it) I know it is good for me to write, even if it's nonsense and even if it is a little self obsessed.

Two things

I came across this quote reading an interview with Nancy Fraser for my social theory/third wave feminism essay. I have really liked what she has had to say in the past but had forgotten all about her until she popped into my head this afternoon. Anyway this interview was one of those things I read that just blow my mind open with all these new thoughts and possibilities. I had almost forgot the feeling, but not anymore. I think I get that feeling more from social and feminist theory than anywhere else and it has rekindled my love for it at just the right time. Anyway she said a lot of wonderful things but it was this quote that made me want to scream yes! I feel exactly the same way! and with further ado, here it is:

"throughout my adult life I have cared passionately about two different things: the intellectual project of understanding the world and the political project of changing it” -Nancy Fraser , 2004

Another thing that I am really enjoying tonight, and I may have already said this, and it may be really weird but I really love numbers I enjoy writing down page numbers especially where there is some symmetry to them like 22 or 1111 or 8383. I think they're lovely. I really like letters and words as well but I prefer to write them down feeling the shape of them and seeing my hand and pen create them. I know I'm abnormal but I don't care I am enjoying myself.

Reading, Writing, Learning

I have been reading alot, as is expected in an honours year. I have been reading for classes and I have been reading for essays. And I am really enjoying it. I am reading about gender and nationalism, and I am reveling in Nira Yuval-Davis' words. I am reading about narrative analysis, and am learning how better to understand peoples stories. I am reading about post-marxism, and critical discourse analysis, and citizenship, and I am enjoying it. It's exhausting, after a certain point my brain says 'No More!' as it has done tonight. But it is similar to the feeling of exhaustion after a good days labour. Except, of course, it's not my body (although that aches sometimes too), but my mind that aches with exertion. I am also learning that when my brain protests and at times when I chose to spend my time doing something other than studying, it doesn't help to stress or feel I am wasting my time. It is much more beneficial for me, my brain and the people I am with if I 'live in the moment' whether I am studying or not. I am writing alot too, and when I am 'in the moment' I am noticing how much I enjoy the physical act. I love the way the pen touches the paper. I love the feeling of each swooping letter. I love the way ink forms letters, letters forms words, words form sentences, sentences form thoughts. I love looking back over the page, the form of letters and words, the composition of the page, even where my left hand has made smudges on the page, my signature. For me each page is like a piece of art. I am reading alot, and writing alot, and learning alot.