Something wonderful

Something wonderful is happening. I am starting to want to learn again. I didn't realise until I began to get better but when I was sick I lost the interest in learning. I lost my passion to know and I forgot how it felt to have a 'brainsplosion'.

One night I was watching Stephen Fry's Planet Word and all of a sudden I was inspired, my brain was awoken to all these new and incredible ideas and possibilities, I had had a brainsplosion. Since then, or possibly before it's not so important, I have began to be interested in learning things again. Not just becoming interested in things again, but wanting to bring new things into my life. For me this is a big and wonderful deal. You might be able to tell that just writing this I am filling with excitement.

Not everything is shinny and beautiful for me, I still feel down, anxious and frightened sometimes, probably more than the average person. But now my days are peppered with this wonderful desire to learn new things, to try new things, to do new things. I want to learn to sew, I already have a list of ideas I  want to sew and give to the people I love. I want to learn to embroider so I can make those ideas even more pretty. I want to learn to become a better cook and baker, I want to try new recipes, I want to make my own. I want to learn to be a better writer, I want to write, there is so, so very much I want to write. I want to learn to draw and get some of my creativity out of me and onto a piece of paper. I want to learn about language, linguistics. I want to read up on all sorts of incredible subjects.

More than anything else I want to learn and I want to try. I cannot explain how incredible a feeling this is for me, it really, really is wonderful! For me it means hope. But also, it means celebrating and caring for my brain and my mind.This is a difficult thing for me because if I am honest I have not forgiven my brain for those chemical imbalances that had put me and my loved ones through so much and that will likely put me through some more. Learning to live in peace, understanding with my brain is something scary and something wonderful.

Terrible and Wonderful

Oh my Great Grandfather! I've finished transcribing! And I'm one day ahead of schedule! It was terrible and wonderful. My fingers cramped up and my brain went cloudy. I feel as though I have spent the last four days in deep conversation with my interviewees, the only thing is I can't tell anyone about my day, it's kind of lonely in that way. But then it's also less lonely because at least while I'm working I have someone to listen to. I hated it on the second day on the third I started to get excited, I think, at least partially because I was getting faster and so it was easier to pay attention to the content of the interviews and people said some really interesting stuff! I am awed by the intelligent and insightful things the parents I interviewed have said. But I have also found it quite emotional. In one interview someone shared with me there favourite memory of their child and I then told my favourite memory of my brother. It was Christmas one year and we had both been given a tin in the shape of a bear filled with pebbles. My tin was on the floor and so was my brother. He saw his target and scooted on his back straight for it. With a careful maneuver of his hand he had knocked my tin over, pebbles spilling everywhere. He laughed and laughs, I can almost feel it in my chest. Being a snotty 8 year old I most probably yelled or burst in to tears. It's a strange favourite memory, and it's a little sad. It's my favourite memory because in that moment he was like any other older brother who took pleasure in tormenting their baby sister. Hearing myself recounting this memory, I cried. I felt disappointed that I wanted him to be normal and I also grieved because he's not. It's not an easy topic to research. Perhaps it's not very professional to share my memories and experiences with these people. But I find it really difficult. For one thing all of them know me, my brother and my family. It would be strange to suddenly severe all those connections. But even more significantly I find it impossible to sit there while people share with me some really personal, and sometimes painful things and not give them something in return. For this reason I feel ok sharing, in fact I feel it's kind of necessary. Anyway it's an emotional topic but at the moment I am finding it really rewarding. The people I have talked to are fantastic, they have incredible and important things to say and I'm the person who gets to share them and I can't help but hope I can make a teensy weensy bit of difference.