Kindness

At the moment I am working on kindness.

It is important for me to be kind to myself, to be compassionate. While I often think I am being kind to myself, I think in reality I'm not. Either I am beating myself up for not being that special kind of perfect I reserve only for myself or I am using being kind to myself as an excuse for not looking after me. I want to be kind to myself by celebrating my successes, being proud of me, by giving myself opportunities to enjoy life and by doing those 'looking after'y things that make me feel better, that make me healthy.

At the same time, I am also realising that when I was sick I was unable to really consider anyone else. And now I am recovering I am able to really consider people and start repaying the incredible kindness and compassion I have been shown. I want to really think about people, really listen and do those things I am able to do that will make them feel good.

This also means balance, something else I am working on.

Something wonderful

Something wonderful is happening. I am starting to want to learn again. I didn't realise until I began to get better but when I was sick I lost the interest in learning. I lost my passion to know and I forgot how it felt to have a 'brainsplosion'.

One night I was watching Stephen Fry's Planet Word and all of a sudden I was inspired, my brain was awoken to all these new and incredible ideas and possibilities, I had had a brainsplosion. Since then, or possibly before it's not so important, I have began to be interested in learning things again. Not just becoming interested in things again, but wanting to bring new things into my life. For me this is a big and wonderful deal. You might be able to tell that just writing this I am filling with excitement.

Not everything is shinny and beautiful for me, I still feel down, anxious and frightened sometimes, probably more than the average person. But now my days are peppered with this wonderful desire to learn new things, to try new things, to do new things. I want to learn to sew, I already have a list of ideas I  want to sew and give to the people I love. I want to learn to embroider so I can make those ideas even more pretty. I want to learn to become a better cook and baker, I want to try new recipes, I want to make my own. I want to learn to be a better writer, I want to write, there is so, so very much I want to write. I want to learn to draw and get some of my creativity out of me and onto a piece of paper. I want to learn about language, linguistics. I want to read up on all sorts of incredible subjects.

More than anything else I want to learn and I want to try. I cannot explain how incredible a feeling this is for me, it really, really is wonderful! For me it means hope. But also, it means celebrating and caring for my brain and my mind.This is a difficult thing for me because if I am honest I have not forgiven my brain for those chemical imbalances that had put me and my loved ones through so much and that will likely put me through some more. Learning to live in peace, understanding with my brain is something scary and something wonderful.

Every body needs love

I have always thought of myself as having a healthy body image, I have never been particularly concerned with my appearance, but everybody has those days when they just don't like who they see in the mirror. And so I still have some lessons to learn when it comes to loving myself inside and out.
Kjerstin Guys (an amazing woman), has helped me on this road by beginning a series on her blog called 'Healthy Body Image Wednesdays'. This Wednesday was the first and she began by sharing 10 steps to positive body image and I absolutely love them!

 

I love these steps because anybody could benefit by taking them, including me. 

Appreciating all your body can do, is something that is really important to me, having a brother with severe physical and intellectual disabilities I have always been acutely aware of the fact that my body can do things his can't, but appreciating my body for being able to do those things is another step I sometimes struggle to take. That being said, lately when I am feeling particularly anxious, noticing all my body is able to do (despite the anxiety) is a great comfort to me. I love the way my body breathes, whether deeply or shallowly, no matter what and I love to walk and feel my arms swing at my side without consciously telling them to.

There is so much I could say about each of these steps but I want to give myself time to really consider them, I don't want to rush in and then forget all about them tomorrow. I want to work on the way I view myself, not just my body but all of me, I think that maybe I deserve more love from me.

Chapter One?

I would like to write about what I went through when I was/since I was/while I have been sick. What I write sick I mean sick both physically but also seriously mentally unwell.  I would like to write about it but I am nervous to relive it, to live it too vividly, but also, there is very little I remember. At that point of my life, I was not a conscious participant; I was in it alright, deep in it, but perhaps too deep to see.

As I am writing this I imagine the deep, deep black sea they show on television documentaries the only light is that of the lure of the anglerfish, that hideous creature that draws prey towards it trapping them in its razor sharp teeth. All I remember is a deep fear enveloping my whole body, being in a constant state of confusion and incomprehension at what was happening to me and why. C knew when I was being drawn towards terror’s sharp teeth because my pupils rapidly flickered back at forth and more often than not he was able to bring me back to a relatively safe distance. I still went to work and even did some work. I worked despite the hour long waves of fear crashing over me, filling me with the almost overwhelming urge to run, to hide, the need to get out. But no matter where I went I couldn’t escape. My mind, what I now know was my chemically imbalanced mind, was imprisoning and torturing me. 

This is all very dramatic, at times I laughed, I felt pure joy. But quickly after I slipped into a depression or was hit by another wave of fear married with incomprehension as to why I felt that way, and soon after was filled with the guilt for not being happy. I remember sitting on a beautiful beach with C, watching the waves gently rolling in and out, feeling the sun on my face, noticing my breathing and able only to focus on the barks of dogs in the distance and feeling only guilt and the urge to leave, to go somewhere, but nowhere being good enough.

There is more I wanted to write about but right now I cant remember what that more is. Something that needs to be said though, is that am really proud that I have just written at least some of what I went through. I am proud because to me, that fact I was able to write about what I went through then, although it was only a few months ago, is so far from my current reality that I can look back without getting sucked into that deep deep blackness.

 It feels good.

'One of those days'

Today has been 'one of those days'. One of those days you wake up feeling tired. One of those days you are late for work because nothing you put on feels right and when you look in the mirror you don't see yourself. One of those days you spill the last of the cereal on the floor and forget your lunch. One of those days you don't feel welcome at work. One of those days you feel compelled to sit under the desk but know it wouldn't be approved of so you stay slumped in your chair. One of those days not even a raspberry brownie can heal. One of those days talking to your mum makes you sob in  public, sitting under a tree  and one of those days you walk back in to work with puffy red eyes.

But today has also been one of those days that a letter from your mum can set your heart fluttering, and the pictures of rabbits with speech bubbles  included have you giggling out loud on the bus, and the parsley seeds inside fill you with excitement and anticipation. Today has also been one of those days that you are sure of the fact that you are loved and supported. Today has also been one of those days that a text from your sister can fill you with so much love you can almost feel the hug of it.

Today has been one of those days full of emotion and feeling.

Today has been one of those days that you are reminded of the yin and yang of things.

Today is one of those days you are unbelievably glad that the good comes with the bad.

Not well

At the moment I am not well. I am sick, quite sick, I have been sick for over a week and I am only just getting energy back to the point where getting myself a glass of water doesn't feel like a massive undertaking.

But I am still not well, it turns out I'm sick, very sick, and have been getting more so for quite some time, my anxiety and depression has reached what I think is called 'crisis point'. This is terrifying . I don't remember ever feeling this fragile.

I feel as though I am made up of playing cards of tissue paper and I am trying to keep them together in gale force winds.

A while ago we went for a drive around the coast and it got really windy, it was howling and pulling the car from side to side, I watched a seagull sitting in the middle of the road take off, if it is possible for a bird to show uncertainty or even fear, that is what I saw. It rushed up as though being sucked through a giant straw, only to be spat out and thrown across the sky. At first it flapped it's wings trying hopelessly to go in the direction it intended. Then it seemed to resign itself and with it's wings out spread was sent soaring over the hills and out of sight.

While this is a pretty depressing post, the fact I am writing anything at all seems a good sign to me. I have sought help and I am being supported and am starting once more what they call my 'personal wellness journey'. It is still terrifying, perhaps even more so because to let a part of yourself hope for recovery feels a very dangerous and vulnerable thing to do. After a few days of immeasurable support and an exhausting beginning on my 'personal journey' - my mind aches as though it has bush bashed through k's of gorse riddled scrub, crossed icy rivers and dragged itself through heavy snow), I am beginning to wonder if the seagull was not sent soaring but instead was riding the wind.

Tread carefully

I am at that point, that I have been before, where I know I need to be a little careful. If I am a little careful it can be an exciting time but it is also an exhausting time. I was about to write I am in turmoil, it's dramatic and false, but in another way I do feel like my thoughts, my feelings, my unconscious, my insides are tumultuous. I feel shook up. There isn't much going on externally to make me feel this way and I only know because of a slightly painful history that I need to tread carefully. I know from experience that right now I need to be kind to myself and I need to make a few changes. I want to make a few changes and I like being kind to myself, so it is an exciting time.
I want to practise mindfulness.
I want to take pleasure in delicious and healthy food.
I want to be active.
I want to keep working on my confidence.
I want to keep in contact with people who are important to me.
I want to take pleasure in everyday activities.
I want my mummy! "Now, now Frankie you can handle this, take a deep breath and recognize that feeling in your tummy as nervous excitement". It's a time of change.

Changes

I haven't written in a long time and I don't even know if I will publish this, I don't even know what this will be. I have a job, I have had a job for almost 6 months and it looks like I will have it for at least a year more. It's not glamorous, it's data entry - but at the least the data comes from the 1800's. Although I still feel undeniably me, I do feel as though things have changed for me and my 'education' these days is very different to what it was while I was studying. I am learning to get up at 7am Monday to Friday and go to work. I'm learning to work for 7 and a half hours a day, even when I'd rather do almost anything else. I'm learning to do everything else (dishes, washing, cooking, sleeping, relaxing, etc) I need to do outside of those hours (this I'm definitely still learning). But I'm also benefiting from things I have already learned, especially motivating myself to work.

I wrote this quite a while ago now but didn't post it. Since then I have gotten a new job, I am now an archivist, supervising 12 data entry operators. For a long time I truly loved it, for right now I enjoy it but am finding it so incredibly challenging. I am learning so so much and it's defiantly a learning process. I am learning so much I don't think I can type it all down here. But the biggest things for me at the moment are feeling confident in my knowledge and that I deserve to be an archivist and a supervisor, this is tough. I am learning to manage the difficult days and things that stress me, this is tough too and a little scary. I am scared of things getting too much and me getting unwell again. But another thing I am realising is that I need to learn to be grateful. I am lucky to have this great job and these incredible opportunities and I am grateful for having (for the most part) good mental health, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. And as I have been forced to realise lately I am grateful I am alive. I'm going to try to write a gratitude journal each day, because I need to remember the wonderful things I have in my life. I'm also going to make an effort to write on here more often, even if no one reads it (I"m not sure I want anyone to read it) I know it is good for me to write, even if it's nonsense and even if it is a little self obsessed.

I want to be like that

Someone at my work passed away on Tuesday. We just had an afternoon tea in their honor. They showed a photo of him when he was young and told stories of him. He had worked here 18 years. I have almost worked here 1. When I started I was very shy and quiet. I didn't want to be so I made a real effort to talk to people. I would even count the number of people I had talked to that day (I don't think it ever got over 5). It was painful for me to talk to someone, it physically hurt. But he was one of the people who talked to me and who I could talk back to without any pain. I felt so much more confident and happy after talking to him. He had a smile that was so kind and so genuine you couldn't help but mirror it. But he is gone now. He died of a heart attack, he was on a waiting list for a heart operation, the same operation my father had, but my father had it in time. I have been thinking about this man and about my father. I don't know if this man had children. He undoubtedly had family and I am so so very sorry  for their loss. I am also so very grateful I haven't had to experience a loss like that. I want to celebrate my family, I want to build my relationship with my father. I have also been thinking about what a difference this man made to my day and to so many other people's day, just by being genuine, friendly, happy. I want to be like that. 

Too many thoughts and not enough words

As is starting to seem usual for me, my head and heart and tummy feel full with too many thoughts and I can't find the words to materialize them outside of myself. They are siting inside of me, stuck and stifled. I'm not unhappy, in fact I am happier, more relaxed and more content than I ever have been. On our weekends we get into the car and make our way around the bay, each time I feel breathless and wide-eyed at the incredible environment we have managed to find ourselves in. We stop somewhere along the way and sit looking out to sea, watching the gulls swooping and soaring or the tide crash against the ragged rocks, we might wander along listening to the sea and each other, or we might gaze into the rock pools at the initially gross but actually beautiful anemones. I cook apple and blueberry crumble and we eat it with cream, so comfortable and at ease with one another on our worn out couch. Still these thoughts tumble around inside of me, occasionally riming my eyes with tears. I am happy and content and confused. I don't have the words to explain to anyone, let alone myself what is going on for me. Perhaps it is because I am so happy and content that my body or mind feels as though it can look for how next to increase this happiness. Maybe it is because I have never planned beyond finishing university that I am struck dumb by all the possibilities. Perhaps it is the increasing feeling of pressure to be an 'adult' placed on me by society or maybe myself. Whichever or whatever it is, I am drawn to words in a way I haven't been since I was a teenager. Seeking out and rapidly consuming books and stories, unable to put them down, taking pleasure in the shape and sounds of words and sentences. I am continually struck with an incredible desire to write, to write about anything and everything. I almost never get to put pen to paper or finger to key, but stories and words and sentences nevertheless find themselves rushing around in my mind. I cannot find the words to make sense of my self, to manifest my thoughts and feelings outside of myself, but I am (perhaps unconsciously, perhaps my mind is) seeking them out.

Some nonsense

I don't know what to write, but all day today I have felt like I need to write, it has been itching under my skin. For a long time now I have felt unsettled, upset and yet very settled and very calm. If I think about it, it's pretty normal for me around this time of the year. With Christmas and New Year and the long summer break a lot gets stirred up in my mind and it takes me a long time to work through it, to even recognise all the things kicked up and swirling in my mind, to name them. I can't name them yet, but I know they're there, I can feel them. I guess I could name some of them, like the apparent changes in my family and my relationships with them (although I can't describe any further), changes in the way I see myself, considering what it is I want to do (to do a masters?). But really a lot of the things that have been stirred up, that I can feel in my insides, that somehow make me more still, more steady are not things that can be named - they're much bigger and complex than that. I feel like my mind and possibly my heart because that's how it feels, is working through these colossal dust particles without me, or at least without me being fully conscious of it. I am trying to be patient without being lazy or blase. I am trying very hard to look after myself and do what is best for me, even though sometimes it's hard. This won't make sense to anyone, it doesn't quite make any sense to me, but I want so badly to get some of it out, to give my mind some space to work in (even if it's just a musty corner)

Lessons

I seem to keep learning the same lessons over and over again, today that lesson is: just do it*. I have been putting off writing my CV cause it makes me feel shitty (who would want to hire me) and putting off doing the dishes because there are just too many of them and they're icky! But I have done them both today and I don't feel shitty, I feel accomplished. Not just from doing the dishes and writing my CV but from what is in my CV. The good and hard bit about CV's is you have to put the best of you forward. I didn't know how hard it would be. On the up side though I think I like myself more now, I have come face to face with myself and my accomplishments, and I like that person :) I guess that's another lesson I have to keep learning too, to love myself, to like myself and to put that self forward.

*I hate nike so ignore the product placement

News

I got my final results back for my honours year today, and I got FIRST CLASS HONOURS! First I asked Charlie what that meant - that's the best you can get, then I jumped all over the house. I am so incredibly proud, I feel like my entire school life of trying my best but only getting average grades has paid off. I am also a bit in shock.

Uncertainty

I feel heartbroken even though no one has broken my heart. I am fine but I feel like I'm not. My chest feels hollow or filled with tears or both. I am happy but that's not what my body is telling me. Perhaps I'm exhausted. I feel a bit lost and a bit scared. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know where I will be living in February, I know I want to live here with the tuis and kakas but I don't know if we can afford it. I don't know how we will afford to live in the way we have (with just enough to get by) and I don't know if I will have a job or what it will be. I don't know what I will be doing next year. I don't know what is going on inside or outside of me.

I am a nutter

Oh my goodness. I think I have forgotten how to relax. I have been up since 7. It's 11.30am. I have helped Charlie get ready for work. This is the second blog post I have written. I wrote an email/a novel to my niece, I have applied for the unemployed student benefit, I have looked into applying for a Masters scholarship, I have emailed two potential referee's and supervisors (one's already said yes to both, yay!) and played sims online. I also compliled a list of possible things to do because I couldn't handle not having any plans. Hehe I'm a nutter.

An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.

It's over, I'm done

That's all I have to say right now, I'm exhausted.

Onwards and upwards to victory

In the words of lecturer and supervisor, I am "onwards and upwards to victory!" Or something like that anyway. After a slightly nightmarish situation with the university computers and printing i handed in my social theory essay. I don't think it is very good, I deleted a good chunk and there was an even larger chunk I would have liked to write but didn't because of the word limit. Anyway, I have let it go. when it gets to the point of handing it in I am so involved and removed from it at the same time that I have no idea how good it is. Anyway, 'another one bites the dust' yay :) Now all I have left is a few more read throughs and edits of my research project. It's kind of neat that it is the last to hand in because it has been the most difficult, is the biggest, is my favourite, and I am most proud of it.

I like myself

I like myself and I like the way I write, I don't think there are many people in honours who write the way I do and I take some pride in that, even though it may make me a little unsure at times. Here is the current beginning to the introduction of my social theory/third wave feminism essay:

When I was a teenager I would pump the music of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre through my headphones wherever I went, I would scrawl their lyrics across my school books, and when I grew up I wanted to be Kathleen Hanna.

P.s: it must be working because I just found out for my second data analysis essay I got a 'provisional A' (that means it is still to go to moderation and the grade might change, but that's what my lecturer thinks my work is worth so I'm pretty proud :) )

Pink Floyd

Listening to Wish You Were Here in stereo, as loud as it goes, on my headphones, is good for my soul. That is all.