CHALLENGING

Goodness, life at the moment is challenging. As I have told everyone on facebook I have PMS, I'm on antibiotics and I have two very important essay's due. I am grasping onto the word challenging, I need to think of this as a challenge, whether I suceed or fail, challenges make you grow. Words like hard, difficult, impossible, etc are no use to me now. I am doing my best to keep calm, cause stress is no use to me either. I know what I have to do, all I have to do now is do it. As the internet says 'Keep calm and carry on'. I'm kind of suprised by how well I am doing at sticking to that motto. But I know from 3 years experience I can do it, I always get it done. Shit I'm a graduate! Plus I am of the somewhat resigned opinion that as long as I do my best it doesn't matter, I will be proud of myself and the wonderful people in my life will love me no matter what. I am so lucky!

I've Done It!

I have graduated and it feels wonderful. I felt beautiful and so proud. It may have been easy for some to get to graduation but for me it was a real challenge and a journey. I have learnt so much in the last 3 years, so much about myself. I've grown and I'm proud. The ceremony was ridiculous with the costumes, the plugs for the university, the music and the singing in latin. But having my family taking time off work and university to come to see me and celebrate my 'acomplishment' was amazing. It was so special to have (most of) my family there because it is largely because of them I am the person I am now and largely because of them we we're able to celebrate my graduation.

Reading, Writing, Learning

I have been reading alot, as is expected in an honours year. I have been reading for classes and I have been reading for essays. And I am really enjoying it. I am reading about gender and nationalism, and I am reveling in Nira Yuval-Davis' words. I am reading about narrative analysis, and am learning how better to understand peoples stories. I am reading about post-marxism, and critical discourse analysis, and citizenship, and I am enjoying it. It's exhausting, after a certain point my brain says 'No More!' as it has done tonight. But it is similar to the feeling of exhaustion after a good days labour. Except, of course, it's not my body (although that aches sometimes too), but my mind that aches with exertion. I am also learning that when my brain protests and at times when I chose to spend my time doing something other than studying, it doesn't help to stress or feel I am wasting my time. It is much more beneficial for me, my brain and the people I am with if I 'live in the moment' whether I am studying or not. I am writing alot too, and when I am 'in the moment' I am noticing how much I enjoy the physical act. I love the way the pen touches the paper. I love the feeling of each swooping letter. I love the way ink forms letters, letters forms words, words form sentences, sentences form thoughts. I love looking back over the page, the form of letters and words, the composition of the page, even where my left hand has made smudges on the page, my signature. For me each page is like a piece of art. I am reading alot, and writing alot, and learning alot.

Lessons, Passion and Mind Explossions

Today has been a much better day than yesterday. For one thing I went to the doctor and got some much needed antihystamines and nasal spray, goodbye painful itchy eyes, itchy roof of my mouth, and congestion headache that has made me feel as though my head would explode any minute. For another thing I have actually done some work today and learnt the oh so valuable lesson that it is possible to work past the point where it seems impossible to do any work at all. I have been working on my upcoming essay's today and have rekindled a little passion for learning. You know, when you read something and it blows your mind open to all sorts of other amazing thoughts, thoughts you didn't even know were possible. I have to remeber these lessons, the passion, and the mind explossions :-)

The Only Angry Woman in the Room

I am having trouble, at the moment, with being the only women doing an Honours in Sociology, including the lectures. I get angry when I don't get a chance to speak, or perhaps don't feel I have the chance to speak, I'm not sure it matters which. I get angry when feminism or gender is added in as an after thought. I get angry when a man talks about gender or feminism as though they know anything about it. I get angry when they look at me as though I am gender or I am feminism. I get angry because I feel like the token feminist. I get angry because it's not ok to talk about how things made you feel, you have to have a rational argument. I get angry that when I disagree I go quiet instead of speaking out and having my opinion heard. I get angry that I didn't grow up feeling as though I had a voice other people would listen too. I get angry that I go home and cry instead of putting forward a rational argument. I get angry that a part of me wants to fit in and be just like them. I get angry that I notice all this. I get angry that it is a part of my life.

A Strange Place

I am at a really strange place at the moment, in 6 days I will be graduating with a Ba in Sociology and Social Policy. For as long as I can remember I have dreamt of going to University, learning amazing things, and graduating. But that is as far as my dreams have gone (aside from having children one day, and I'm fine with leaving that one for another couple of years). I am at a place where I am continually asking myself: What next? Is this really what you wan't to be doing? Are you sure you can handle this? Are you the person you want to be? Are you the student you should be? Are you the feminist you should be? Are you the girlfriend you want to be? Are you the daughter, the sister, the aunty, the friend you should be? And I am at a place where a lot of my answers to these questions are no. I am at a place where I need to embrace the uncertainty, 'walk like thunder"*, and realise that "I am exactly the person that I want to be." **

*http://soundcloud.com/kimyadawson/walk-like-thunder
** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9WZtxRWieM