Saturday, October 13, 2012

Tread carefully

I am at that point, that I have been before, where I know I need to be a little careful. If I am a little careful it can be an exciting time but it is also an exhausting time. I was about to write I am in turmoil, it's dramatic and false, but in another way I do feel like my thoughts, my feelings, my unconscious, my insides are tumultuous. I feel shook up. There isn't much going on externally to make me feel this way and I only know because of a slightly painful history that I need to tread carefully. I know from experience that right now I need to be kind to myself and I need to make a few changes. I want to make a few changes and I like being kind to myself, so it is an exciting time.
I want to practise mindfulness.
I want to take pleasure in delicious and healthy food.
I want to be active.
I want to keep working on my confidence.
I want to keep in contact with people who are important to me.
I want to take pleasure in everyday activities.
I want my mummy! "Now, now Frankie you can handle this, take a deep breath and recognize that feeling in your tummy as nervous excitement". It's a time of change.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Changes

I haven't written in a long time and I don't even know if I will publish this, I don't even know what this will be. I have a job, I have had a job for almost 6 months and it looks like I will have it for at least a year more. It's not glamorous, it's data entry - but at the least the data comes from the 1800's. Although I still feel undeniably me, I do feel as though things have changed for me and my 'education' these days is very different to what it was while I was studying. I am learning to get up at 7am Monday to Friday and go to work. I'm learning to work for 7 and a half hours a day, even when I'd rather do almost anything else. I'm learning to do everything else (dishes, washing, cooking, sleeping, relaxing, etc) I need to do outside of those hours (this I'm definitely still learning). But I'm also benefiting from things I have already learned, especially motivating myself to work.

I wrote this quite a while ago now but didn't post it. Since then I have gotten a new job, I am now an archivist, supervising 12 data entry operators. For a long time I truly loved it, for right now I enjoy it but am finding it so incredibly challenging. I am learning so so much and it's defiantly a learning process. I am learning so much I don't think I can type it all down here. But the biggest things for me at the moment are feeling confident in my knowledge and that I deserve to be an archivist and a supervisor, this is tough. I am learning to manage the difficult days and things that stress me, this is tough too and a little scary. I am scared of things getting too much and me getting unwell again. But another thing I am realising is that I need to learn to be grateful. I am lucky to have this great job and these incredible opportunities and I am grateful for having (for the most part) good mental health, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. And as I have been forced to realise lately I am grateful I am alive. I'm going to try to write a gratitude journal each day, because I need to remember the wonderful things I have in my life. I'm also going to make an effort to write on here more often, even if no one reads it (I"m not sure I want anyone to read it) I know it is good for me to write, even if it's nonsense and even if it is a little self obsessed.

I want to be like that

Someone at my work passed away on Tuesday. We just had an afternoon tea in their honor. They showed a photo of him when he was young and told stories of him. He had worked here 18 years. I have almost worked here 1. When I started I was very shy and quiet. I didn't want to be so I made a real effort to talk to people. I would even count the number of people I had talked to that day (I don't think it ever got over 5). It was painful for me to talk to someone, it physically hurt. But he was one of the people who talked to me and who I could talk back to without any pain. I felt so much more confident and happy after talking to him. He had a smile that was so kind and so genuine you couldn't help but mirror it. But he is gone now. He died of a heart attack, he was on a waiting list for a heart operation, the same operation my father had, but my father had it in time. I have been thinking about this man and about my father. I don't know if this man had children. He undoubtedly had family and I am so so very sorry  for their loss. I am also so very grateful I haven't had to experience a loss like that. I want to celebrate my family, I want to build my relationship with my father. I have also been thinking about what a difference this man made to my day and to so many other people's day, just by being genuine, friendly, happy. I want to be like that.