I am a nutter

Oh my goodness. I think I have forgotten how to relax. I have been up since 7. It's 11.30am. I have helped Charlie get ready for work. This is the second blog post I have written. I wrote an email/a novel to my niece, I have applied for the unemployed student benefit, I have looked into applying for a Masters scholarship, I have emailed two potential referee's and supervisors (one's already said yes to both, yay!) and played sims online. I also compliled a list of possible things to do because I couldn't handle not having any plans. Hehe I'm a nutter.

An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.

It's over, I'm done

That's all I have to say right now, I'm exhausted.

Onwards and upwards to victory

In the words of lecturer and supervisor, I am "onwards and upwards to victory!" Or something like that anyway. After a slightly nightmarish situation with the university computers and printing i handed in my social theory essay. I don't think it is very good, I deleted a good chunk and there was an even larger chunk I would have liked to write but didn't because of the word limit. Anyway, I have let it go. when it gets to the point of handing it in I am so involved and removed from it at the same time that I have no idea how good it is. Anyway, 'another one bites the dust' yay :) Now all I have left is a few more read throughs and edits of my research project. It's kind of neat that it is the last to hand in because it has been the most difficult, is the biggest, is my favourite, and I am most proud of it.

I like myself

I like myself and I like the way I write, I don't think there are many people in honours who write the way I do and I take some pride in that, even though it may make me a little unsure at times. Here is the current beginning to the introduction of my social theory/third wave feminism essay:

When I was a teenager I would pump the music of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre through my headphones wherever I went, I would scrawl their lyrics across my school books, and when I grew up I wanted to be Kathleen Hanna.

P.s: it must be working because I just found out for my second data analysis essay I got a 'provisional A' (that means it is still to go to moderation and the grade might change, but that's what my lecturer thinks my work is worth so I'm pretty proud :) )

Pink Floyd

Listening to Wish You Were Here in stereo, as loud as it goes, on my headphones, is good for my soul. That is all.

I'm inspired

As you know I woke up tired but now 6 hours later I am also inspired. I got to talk to my best friend and my mum :) I made a pact with my mum today that even though we were both feeling a bit cruddy about not doing as much as we had hoped we would not 'self flagellate' today. Spending 7 years of my life going to a catholic school I find I would definitely 'self flagellate' if I had promised not to and did. Makes sense? probably not. Anyway, having that outlook along with a good talk about loving yourself with my bestest friend I have felt a lot lighter and my mind has been clearer. I feel inspired, I feel content, and I feel good about myself :) Now I am going to eat a bit of chocolate and I am going to enjoy it. Have a nice day :)

I'm tired

I am so tired this morning. Charlie had to be at work at 7.30 this morning which meant he had to get up at 6.20. I got up too to help him get ready and so it was easier for him to get up. Unfortunately we were up til after 11 and we left the dryer on when we went to bed, which my mind just couldn't handle - what if it drys forever, what if the house burns down etc. So I didn't get much sleep. I have been up 2 hours and 40 minutes and I think I may need my 2nd coffee which is scheduled three o'clock this afternoon. I haven't started working yet. I helped Charlie, then drank my coffee watching rugrats, then I ate breakfast watching hey arnold and then I had a nap on the couch listening to ah real monsters. I'm a grownup I swear! I'm nervous about writing this essay. I think part of it is that this is the last one and part of me doesn't want it to end. At the same time the idea that half of the work I have done this year will come down to 5,000 words written over 3 days and it has been so much more than that. Oh well. I just gotta believe in myself and enjoy this final challenge as much as possible. And try to stay awake.

10 days left

In 10 days time, whether I like it or not, all this madness will be over.Although the shock of it all being over may bring on a new kind of madness but It'll only be temporary. Today, like yesterday, was a roller coaster day. Even though I woke up with a sore back I got up drank my coffee and got to work. 3 or 4 hours later Charlie heard me sobbing. All the work I had done this morning had disappeared, the programme I was using closed it self taking all my (yes unsaved) work with it. But my darling Charlie took me to the supermarket to cheer me up, I know it;s strange but at the moment going to the supermarket is a treat. But he took what I thought was a shortcut, if I had been paying attention I would have realised he actually went a couple of suburbs too far. Charlie took me to a lovely cafe that makes the worlds best pies! We shared a chicken and chirizo and a Sheppard's. They were spectacular! Then, then I took him to the second hand shop next door, it was open on a Saturday it was clearly a sign! I found a lovely shapely black singlet top and these phenomenal near new sailor-esque pants that are just the stuff of dreams and a really cool belt that actually fits me and holds up my pants instead of just looking good. Anyway then some bad stuff happened and some good and some bad and some good etc etc. But either way I can hold on to the fact that there are only 10 more days to go :)

I Judged my blog by its cover

I judged by blog by it's colour and I decided I hate it. I don't actually like blue, I thought I had gotten over my strong dislike (my mum always told me to say that instead of hate), but I hadn't. So I changed it again, this one has red in it. Red is my favourite. It's got birds too, I like birds. Don't get used to it though I might decide I hate this one too.

Roller coaster

Today has felt like a roller coaster. Although I have never been on a roller coaster only a circular one where you went round and round indefinitely,maybe today has been more like that. No, it's been a roller coaster, the loopy thing is too dramatic :) This whole year has been like a roller coaster, but today especially. I have felt up and down, terrified and overwhelmed then happy, excited even. I see the end in sight but I also see that before I can get off and let my body (and mind) recover there's a final drop that I'm just not sure I can handle. I do feel a bit like the girl I went on the ride with though, crying for my mummy and wanting to get off (at least that's how I remember it, she wasn't very nice, my mind may have embellished).

Two things

I came across this quote reading an interview with Nancy Fraser for my social theory/third wave feminism essay. I have really liked what she has had to say in the past but had forgotten all about her until she popped into my head this afternoon. Anyway this interview was one of those things I read that just blow my mind open with all these new thoughts and possibilities. I had almost forgot the feeling, but not anymore. I think I get that feeling more from social and feminist theory than anywhere else and it has rekindled my love for it at just the right time. Anyway she said a lot of wonderful things but it was this quote that made me want to scream yes! I feel exactly the same way! and with further ado, here it is:

"throughout my adult life I have cared passionately about two different things: the intellectual project of understanding the world and the political project of changing it” -Nancy Fraser , 2004

Another thing that I am really enjoying tonight, and I may have already said this, and it may be really weird but I really love numbers I enjoy writing down page numbers especially where there is some symmetry to them like 22 or 1111 or 8383. I think they're lovely. I really like letters and words as well but I prefer to write them down feeling the shape of them and seeing my hand and pen create them. I know I'm abnormal but I don't care I am enjoying myself.

In the words of queen . . .

"Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust"
I handed in another essay today ! Only one more to write ! I am proud ! That is all.

Judging a blog by its cover

As you may have noticed (my one and only reader lovely Beth) I have changed my blog designy layouty thing. I just felt like a change (and accidentally deleted all the personalisation's I had done to the last layouty designy thing) and the doodles on the sides of the page remind me of the margins of all my exercise books, I think they're quite fitting and I think they're cute too. Also I feel like I have been taking myself a bit too seriously this last year and just need to chill out a bit and have a bit more fun with what is left of this experience (my honours year).

The end is in sight, in a good way

Today has been a strange day. At 12am we got woken up by the police knocking on the door, they had the wrong address. I couldn't get back to sleep for ages after that surreal excitement and then slept in late. Actually, I'm not sure I want to outline my entire strange but boring day. I'm behind on an essay and have had to ask for an extension. Unfortunately this means I now have less time to do my other essay. I got my second draft for my research report back today it was covered in blue ink but thankfully it's mostly just silly mistakes with grammar etc. I got a major ego boost today, I ran into possibly my favourite undergrad lecturer who has been on sabbatical. For one thing she recognised and remembered me, for another thing she was happy to see me and best of all she said my supervisor told her I had been doing really well this year :-) I feel so flattered and proud! Even though I think all my lecturers are great it is her and my supervisor I have the highest regard for they are both so incredibly intelligent and and insightful it is such an honour to have them be impressed by my work :) That being said I have a lot to do before the end of the month and I have very little motivation today. On the up side Charlie is reading my essay for the second time today and is helping me with this one really frustrating part that just doesn't quite fit and once we sort that I can hand it in which leaves one social theory essay on third wave feminism and a final edit of my research report. The social theory essay will be really interesting and really hard brain work which I am going to enjoy as much as possible and the report is just some tidying up which is awesome cause I so often doubted that I would finish it. The end is in sight!

A milestone

There's so much I would like to write but I just don't have the time. Still I just had to say today I am handing in the first of the 4 assignments due this month and even though its far from perfect I feel good:)