Some nonsense

I don't know what to write, but all day today I have felt like I need to write, it has been itching under my skin. For a long time now I have felt unsettled, upset and yet very settled and very calm. If I think about it, it's pretty normal for me around this time of the year. With Christmas and New Year and the long summer break a lot gets stirred up in my mind and it takes me a long time to work through it, to even recognise all the things kicked up and swirling in my mind, to name them. I can't name them yet, but I know they're there, I can feel them. I guess I could name some of them, like the apparent changes in my family and my relationships with them (although I can't describe any further), changes in the way I see myself, considering what it is I want to do (to do a masters?). But really a lot of the things that have been stirred up, that I can feel in my insides, that somehow make me more still, more steady are not things that can be named - they're much bigger and complex than that. I feel like my mind and possibly my heart because that's how it feels, is working through these colossal dust particles without me, or at least without me being fully conscious of it. I am trying to be patient without being lazy or blase. I am trying very hard to look after myself and do what is best for me, even though sometimes it's hard. This won't make sense to anyone, it doesn't quite make any sense to me, but I want so badly to get some of it out, to give my mind some space to work in (even if it's just a musty corner)