Things I consider 'news' now

I am the proud new owner of an ergonomic keyboard and a mouse that glows blue! I was writing the feminism and conversation analysis I was talking about and around 8 o'clock I got this agonizing pain in my wrist that moved up to my elbow. So I freaked out just a tiny bit, gave it a rub, wrapped it in a bandage, and decided not to use it for the rest of the night. All the while my oh so darling boyfriend got on trade me and found a keyboard and mouse for me - working on a laptop for another mouse would have destroyed my left arm. So anyway I am using them now which has made a big difference and the novelty hasn't warn off yet so it makes writing more fun :) I have it all sorted I have a snugly blanky on my desk that covers the part where I put my arm on the desk (it was freezing on there before, I would get too hot because I needed am extra jersey just to keep that part of my arms warm), I have charlies big laptop on top of my giant dictionary and a third wave feminism encyclopedia so it's at the right height, then I have my new key board propped up with some nifty egg carton craft at the perfect slope and my new mouse on the cardboard back of a book (I'm not shelling out for a mouse pad).

In other news, this is hard. I'm finding writing and editing harder than I thought. At the moment I am trying to narrow my 15,000 word project down to 10,000 (I can't seem to get it under 13,000). One of the things that makes me uncomfortable about it is that I have to cut the words of the people I have interviewed as well, which just doesn't seem right. But I'm trying to tell myself if I make my project less wordy and more clear I am giving more strength to their voices anyway. The other part that's hard is that i find part of the research pretty upsetting so I keep wanting to stop and have a break, but then I don't have the time and if I do keep having breaks it makes it harder to come back. That's another thing, even though I am working harder and longer than I have before I don't feel like it's enough and no matter how hard Iwork I can't get rid of this lingering stress and guilt.

I got an email from my mum today asking if I have time to see my brother in about 2 weeks time, obviously I don't. But then I already said no once which brought me to tears and gave me a sad tummy for a couple of days. Plus my brother hasn't come to Wellington in the four years I have lived here so It's pretty much a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's kind of a catch-22 situation, if I say know I will feel awful again and if I say yes I will stress about it and will have that much time less to work. But at least if I say yes I will get to see him and I'm sure it would make me happy. Sigh. The missing out on stuff and having to say no all the time is possibly the hardest part of honours.

Thinking out loud

I am writing this in the hope that I will finally get some clarity on the essay I should be writing right now. Sometimes I forget how hard the thinking part of the essay is. I am (not quite) writing an essay on feminism and conversation analysis. Conversation Analysis (CA) is a methodology for the analysis of naturally occurring conversations which are recorded and then transcribed in incredible detail which tries to include as much of the interaction as possible (i.e pauses, inhalations, exhalations, rise in pitch, lowering of pitch, that sort of thing.). The context of the conversations are not as important as the interaction itself as conversation analysts are looking for the ways in which people show they are experts at social interactions; taking turns speaking, 'repairing' words they don't judge to be quite right, etc. We don't necessarily know that we're doing it but there's pretty good evidence to show we really are experts at interaction sub-consciously abiding by these rules of interaction and it is through transcribing in such an extensive way than conversation analysts uncover these.

So anyway, I was first interest in the topic because of the way that feminism is concerned with both the macro - the social conditions in which women are oppressed in patriarchal society's and the micro - the personal experiences of women and so Conversation Analysis is focused upon the micro - the minute details of everyday conversations and in a less obvious way the macro - the unspoken rules that govern our interactions. Plus I also think that maybe feminism would benefit from a bit more of a focus on the micro side of things - how we interact in our everyday lives. The other thing that really appealed to me about Conversation Analysis is that it really privileges the participants (the people participating in the conversations) orientations. Conversation Analysts only study that which the participants have analysed, if it's not in their conversation, if they haven't given it meaning then the analyst can't study it. This really appealed to me because as a newbie researcher I felt really weird imposing my own thoughts, perspectives and agenda on the people who participated in my interviews.

As I have read more and more and thought more and more about this subject everything seems to come back to this focus participant orientations, both feminism and CA think it's really important to respect and privilege participants but only Conversation analysts seem to take this all the way through to analysis (although some people criticize them for using specialist language in the research and choosing what is important to the participants).There's also the problem of feminist politics, how can researchers orient to feminist politics? And is CA's emphasis on the minute details at the expense of broader political realities ? But then as Conversation Analysts (and feminist ones) have said if it matters to the participants which CA shows it does, then it should matter to the analyst.

Hmm. I don't know if I have got any further along in my thinking. I am really worried about spreading this out to 6,000 words and I'm worried it will be a disjointed mess. But there's no time for worrying, just for doing.

Happiness

I'm happy and content. I just made and ate a delicious lunch of cheese and jalapeno on toast and a huge salad and then, then I went for a short walk up to the top of our street. we live on a beautiful street, especially on a beautiful sunny day like today. The sky is a beautiful blue and on our street it seems limitless, I can see all the way to the sea and before that a the hills fold in to frame it spotted with beautiful old houses. Our street is covered with stunning beautiful coloured houses with funky letter boxes and weird plants, and the sound! Tui's are singing almost constantly. By far my favourite thing about our street and our home is the birds, we have tui and kaka and kereru. Tui were everywhere and as I was walking a kereru soared right beside me into the expansive sky. So yeah. I'm happy. I'm contented. All it took was about 40 minutes. I have to do this again!

Not another f**king sunny day!

I am very cranky this morning. When I woke up and opened the curtains I sighed it's another beautiful day where I spend all of it inside. Right now I am feeling sorry for myself and a like there are a few tears in my tummy swimming around.There is a month to go and there is still a lot to be done I have written my big research report (worth 100%) and all that's left is to do a final draft and then the final copy and I feel pretty good about that, out of all my work this year that is the one that has seemed the most impossible, it's also been the one that has tested me the most: I have had to come to terms with my own feelings around having a brother with high and complex needs, I have had to deal with my social anxiety and feeling of inadequacy to interview people and I have had to work hard to respect their voices while still putting forward my own, plus having to self motivate, set my own deadlines, and work by myself all year. So at least I have accomplished that and going by my supervisors comments I will likely pass. The three other essays are not as under control. I am writing an essay on the possibility of feminist conversation analysis ( a really precise methodology for the analysis of conversations) which I am really interested in I'm just worried I won't be able to pull it all together. I am also writing an essay on rugby in New Zealand, nation building and masculinity (how rugby has helped to build the new Zealand 'nation' since British settlement and how this has established a national masculinity in the same process) . . . not something I thought I would ever write or be interested in, but I am and I'm really enjoying finding out all this information I didn't know, then again it does feel a little scary writing an essay on something I knew very little about prior. The last essay I am writing is on third wave feminism and the questions this raises for social theory (what counts as theory, who can be theorists, who should theory be for etc) which again I am really interested in, at the moment I am kind of consumed by the idea of theory and theorists and all the issues involved in that. I guess it kind of shows how I am struggling with my increasingly 'academic' self. Social theory was the class I least wanted to do and the class I have found the most demanding, but it's also the class I have got my best mark in. I think I do best when doing something I don't think I can do, that's really difficult and that really tests me. So maybe I'll do well this year after all. After talking about all this I feel a bit more enthusiastic to get into these essays and see what I'm capable of. I feel a bit more cheerful too. So thank you imaginary audience :)

Disclaimer: When I say 'am writing' I haven't actually started writing, at all.

Sometimes I feel like big bird ...

Lucky we have Dianna Ross to remind us to believe in ourselves!

P.s click the words beleive in youself above if you want Dianna Ross and Big Bird to make you feel good

Wanky academicy writing

It's 6.30pm and I feel shattered. I guess that's pms for you. It may also have something to do with the onions Charlie's cutting that are making my eyes want to close. I am working on writing my dissertation and I have gotten pretty far but I'm a bit stuck on the methodology section, the introduction and the conclusion, all the hard parts. Perhaps some of the problem is that I don't feel academic enough and I am a little worried that when all the lectures gather round and listen to the guest marker talk about my years work they will erupt into laughter. But that's probably just the pms talking. All the lecturers have said my work is well written but I worry it is not academicy enough. I mean I know I could write like a wanker if I wanted to but I don't. I think it's the 'academics' responsibility to make their work accessible, I would really like it if my friends and family knew what I was going on about rather than just a few lecturers. I also think if you can make something difficult more easy to understand and can do so in everyday language you are showing you have a good understanding of what your talking about. I don't mean dumbing down I mean wanking down. So much academic text just sounds so wanky I'm too busy making silly faces and gestures at the page to read it let alone understand their argument. Plus, I think my work is way more interesting to read, I kind of think of it like a well thought out conversation with a friend where I don't swear or make up my own words. So maybe I just needed to vent and reassert my position. I really do feel strongly about it, I even wrote an essay (not entirely, a large part) on it. Then again when those moments of doubt sneak in, particularly around about the second week of every month (get the hint?), a part of me just wants the smart (and arrogant and wanky) kids to like me.

Here is an informative illustration:

I've seen better days and I've seen worse

Today didn't start out too well I slept late and woke up feeling incredibly stressed and completely lost. I ended up bursting into tears and blubbering some rubbish about how I just wanted to feel pretty. Yip, pms is visiting once again and no it doesn't get any easier. But once I cried I felt a lot better and imediately after I was ready to take control and get shit done. I did an hour or so of work and then Charlie and I ran some errands. Half way through I felt incredibly sick and it didn't go away, it hasn't gone away. I sat for about an hour and then I did more work! Slowly, but I am working through it and I feel good about it.
In other news here's a picture I came across that I love! It makes me feel a lot better about speaking up in any situation I don't feel particularly comfortable in, especially in class. I am a definite voice shaker.

In other news

In other news the previous homepage got a little too much for me (I felt a bit overwhelmed with the super feminist 'you can do it' pressure) and so I replaced it with this little fella:
who never fails to make me smile whenever I see him. (Sometimes I open up Mozilla just to say hi) perhaps I should give him a name. . . . . . I think I'll call him. . . Flick! (like the little fire engine).

Not everything goes to plan

Yesterday and today have oh so kindly tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me things don't necessarily go to plan. Yesterday I was going to make dinner in my 2 hour break, but us being us, we hadn't done dishes in what appeared to be a decade. So I spent the first half hour organizing the dishes and cleaning the bench to get ready to wash the dishes! Then when it was time to do the dishes there was no hot water, so I waited half an hour (and watched tv) and washed the few things I needed to make dinner under the increasingly luke warm 'hot tap' anyway then I got to the business of making dinner (which I enjoy). By the time dinner was ready to be eaten it was the end of my break. So I ignored the plan and enjoyed dinner with Charlie :) But after all that kafuffle I was shattered and needed a break... which got longer....and longer....at which point I went to bed early. Oops. Today I stuck to my plan up until a point but I just wasn't ready to go back to work at 3.30, particularly not with the heartbreaking and anger inducing dissertation on disability to write! Or three equally as ominous thought barriers to get over (i.e what next? how do I make sense of this? what am I trying to say? etc). So I haven't really got that far. At five I had a teensy weensy melt down (partly cause my oh so clever and spectacular niece invited me to her school play - in which she is the female lead! Which I just wont be able to go to) during which I said "Why don't I just quit?" and closed the book I was working in. But the oh so wonderful and rational Charlie helped me make a very complicated and long winded plan for the next 42 days. That's right I only have 42 days until it's all over. Any way now I have restored my faith in plans and my ability to follow them I'm feeling pretty good :) In the event that not everything goes to plan, make another one!

Making Plans

Today has been a good day and it's only 11am. Sunday I was feeling awful and admitted to Charlie I was scared and overwhelmed by honours and as always he said just the right thing in a way no one else would be able to get away with. He made a plan for me which told me when to study and when to have breaks, I didn't start it yesterday cause I had class which kind of got in the way, but in a good way even though I felt nervous about going back to class in case someone, god forbid, asked me how work was going. But they didn't and it was nice to be back amongst people I am starting to think of as friends, it will be sad when it's all over saying good bye (although me being me I won't say goodbye I'll sneak out the door when no one's looking). Anyway today I have started the plan charlie made for me and for the first time in ages I can write this with out feeling as though I should be studying - I don't have to, it's my break :). I got up at 6.30am (actually out of bed at 6.50, but it's all good I'll try harder to get up tomorrow), Charlie made me a coffee and I got straight into studying at my desk in our lovely warm room where I could see the sun rising :) At 8.30 I had breakfast and a sit down and got back to it at 9. I took a five minute break about 10 (lying own on the bed noticing my breathing -a little bit of mindfulness -something that I know has helped me stay sane in the past) and felt super rejuvenated!Now at 11 I have 2 hours to do what I like -so I'm writing this then I'll have some lunch and watch a trashy programme and if I feel up to it do some dishes. I'm going back to work at 1 and then at 2 I will have a half our coffee and trashy tv break and possibly dip something into Nutella :) Then another 2 hours a dinner break of two hours that just happens to be when neighbours on (yes it's trashy but I love it) 2 more hours work and then an hour to chill out before bed. it might sound a bit crazy and freaky military regimey but I feel so good and relatively stress free I have my day planned out with scheduled breaks instead of guilty minutes that turn into hours of not studying. And I know this being the first day it's all well and good saying I'm enjoying it now and sticking to it but it's another thing to say the same in a week or two. But then at the moment knowing I am capable of even one days real decent work awhile feeling positive is so valuable to me I don't care.
Another thing I'm doing that may or may not be constructive is making lists. I have been haunted with lists of things rushing around in my head I would do if I could and it has made me resent studying .But I have started writting them down and I haven't felt haunted anymore, I've just a bit excited about all the things I can do when November comes. Until then I'm content studying my little butt off :)