I won't be there and neither will they

This coming Sunday is Father's Day and Tuesday is my brother's birthday. My mum's having a lunch for my brother on the Sunday and I can't be there. I can't be there for my dad or my brother. I can't afford moneywise or timewise to send wonderful thoughtful gifts either, all I have done is sent homemade cards (which ended up costing me $6 on stamps alone cause apparently they don't sell them as singles anymore, what am I going to do with 8 stamps?). I feel like crap. I know it's not that big a deal, nobody will mind that I'm not there and will understand that I just don't have the time at the moment with my workload. Which by the way is stressing me right out, I haven't done enough work lately and it just doesn't seem possible to get all the work done in time. I couldn't even go if I did have the time because I have a one off job Saturday morning and class on Monday. I think the thing is I know I couldn't go even if I didn't have either of those commitments and I miss my family so much! I have been feeling really lonely and isolated at the moment. People seem to have stopped texting and emailing as much as they used to, probably because I can't respond with my full attention or cheeriness and no one wants a one sided conversation or relationship. Anyway, I think the real reason I am upset is not that I cant be there for my family but that they can't be 'there' for me. It's not that they don't support me or care about me it's that If I was there with them I could get hugs and smiles and encouraging words and my heart wouldn't feel so heavy. Next month is my sister and niece's birthdays and I know I cant be there either. It hurts to know I wont be there and they wont be there for me. In a way it feels a little bit like when you are younger and you have to go to bed while everyone else gets to stay up having a party without you, you can hear them laughing while you lie in bed imaging yourself missing out on things far more exciting and wonderful than is ever going in reality. It doesn't change the feeling though.

Sigh.

Jimminy jilikers the last couple of days have been HARD! Why? Because I have done nothing. Well actually, I don't know if because I have done nothing the last couple of days have been hard or because the last couple of days have been hard I have done nothing? Either way these were neither happy nor productive days. Including most of today I haven't liked the person I seem to be. I have been incredibly irritable and snappy and angry and horrible to live with. I have felt tears aching in my throat and anger muddling my brain with an almost overwhelming urge to break or throw something. Possibly just as concerning I don't know why I have felt this way. And being what I am starting to think of as a mental health survivor who isn't completely comfortable with her past or her emotions this has scared me. I don't want to go back to the place I was in when I was 16 or 17 or 18 or 19 or 20. I tell myself I am a different person now, I am a strong adult (ish) woman who has shown just how capable she is but sometimes I can't help but feel a bit helpless and hidey like I was 'back then'. Any way, things are starting to look up I haven't had any out bursts of anger or insanity in the last 4 hours :) Oh goodness. And I have done more work today than I have in the last two. Even though it is too soon to tell I feel as though things are turning around. My throat isn't filled with tears, there are only a few remnants lining my tummy and no anger remains just a slight mind fog but one you could drive in (if you can drive, which I can't, but you get the point, I hope).

Stop doubting already

Well goodness. I think it's about time I stopped doubting my intelligence and capability. Yesterday I did my dreaded 2 hour presentation on feminism in my social theory class and although my voice descended into croaks and coughs half way through from the trauma of it (and is yet to return to normal) it was fine, perhaps it was even better than fine. While there were tears the night before (which I attributed to PMS but on reflection was probably from fear and anxiety) I woke up at 6.30 and got out of bed at 7, this was an accomplishment in itself. I walked to class in the freezing cold and icy drizzle with a smile. I got to school 10 minutes early and warm (thanks to the ridiculous amount of layers I had worn that day). I admitted to my lecturer I had tried reading but couldn't understand one of the readings ad I was very sorry - he didn't mind at all. I then started my presentation. I only got through two of the three readings I had done but I took this as a good sign because people were too busy discussing the readings. I felt a certain pride that a class of males were discussing feminism and coming up with some really interesting points and there wasn't a single sexist slur. Then again perhaps I should stop doubting others as well.
Oh have I talked about my other presentation? On Monday I did a presentation for my settler society class on my first essay 'Women Build Nation's Too' and while I felt as though it was a bit basic and was somewhat embarrassed by the simplicity of it people seemed to be interested and most hadn't considered women's roles in nation building. I was originally going to do it on my second essay rugby but it was just too stressful trying to order my thoughts coherently on an essay I hadn't begun. So I returned to my first essay, somewhat worried about being labeled the nagging feminist, seeing I haven't talked about anything else. But there was nothing to worry about. And anyway if I wasn't doing it no one else would be.
So anyway, immediately after class (social theory, not settler societies) my lecturer asked if I had a few minutes to talk to him. I was dreading this. I knew he wanted to talk about my first essay and I also knew I had promised him I would have my thematic analysis (for my research) to him the end of the week been and hadn't. He didn't mind at all that I hadn't finished my thematic analysis and scheduled a meeting for the following Thursday and told me that I was probably the most on track for my 489 (research project) than anyone else. Well shit! I wasn't expecting that. Then he gave me my essay, but first he read me the comments he had written 'because his handwriting was so atrocious' god I couldn't think of anything more painful. But this is the good bit...I GOT AN A!!! and he said it was really well written and a really interesting read! I couldn't believe I had done so well on the class I was sure I would do badly in. I didn't think I could be a 'theorist'. But I did it. And better than that, except for some help with a spell check and grammar from Charlie, I did it all by myself. While Charlie was reading it he said multiple times it was good but on reflection I don't think I really believed him. I though he was just saying it, but he's not really the type to do that, he wouldn't say something if it wasn't true. So I should have known. But more than that I should have known without him saying so.
It was really interesting yesterday all my classmates and lectures had drinks (I didn't they hurt my tummy) and one of my lecturers was talking about how, coming from a working class family and going to university, his family was very supportive but just couldn't really understand what he was doing and how he never really felt like he fit at university, he spoke about another lecturer who was constantly trying to prove himself because he was afraid of being kicked out or something. It made me wonder if perhaps this is a little bit of my problem, I just don't feel like I belong at university and no matter how hard I work or prove to myself that I do belong there, I just don't trust in my own intelligence or capability. My darling Bethy gave me a late (extra special cause it was just at the right time and a surprise) wonderfully thoughtful and perfect graduation present and in the card she wrote about how she had heard there's a syndrome amongst university students that they don't feel like they deserve to be there or deserve their degree. So it's not uncommon, but it's not particularly helpful. Particularly when I keep having mini breakdowns because I just can't see myself finishing this. Oh that reminds me another lecturer talked about how difficult it is to do a masters and PhD because you keep thinking "what right do I have doing this, disagreeing with these important people and who's gonna be interested in this anyway?!" So it really isn't uncommon at all. In a weird way it makes me feel better and I am going to do everything I can to trust in my own ability and just friggin rock the worlds socks (not in an icky way, I don't know if it's an icky phrase or not).

Oh and here is the picture I see whenever I open up my browser, I should listen to her as well

Shoulds and haven'ts

I shouldn't be writing this right now. I should be studying. But I just feel so lost. I have wanted to cry all night, but haven't, it wouldn't be socially acceptable. I have 'bitten off more than I can chew' and feel as though I am choking on it. I have told my supervisor I would have a thematic analysis to him by the end of the week, today is Thursday and as of yet there I have not typed a single word towards it. On Monday I have to do a presentation, worth 10%, and I still don't know what to talk about. I wanted to write an essay on rugby in New Zealand and how it has impacted on and been impacted by national myths. But I'm scared they will laugh me out of class. What am i doing talking about rugby in a serious and important class like this? And what does a silly little girl know about rugby? On Wednesday I have to lead the class for 2 hours discussing four feminist readings I don't understand. I haven't even read all of them yet. I don't know how much what I'm feeling is stress and social anxiety and how much is pms but right now I'm not feeling so good (in the head).

Terrible and Wonderful

Oh my Great Grandfather! I've finished transcribing! And I'm one day ahead of schedule! It was terrible and wonderful. My fingers cramped up and my brain went cloudy. I feel as though I have spent the last four days in deep conversation with my interviewees, the only thing is I can't tell anyone about my day, it's kind of lonely in that way. But then it's also less lonely because at least while I'm working I have someone to listen to. I hated it on the second day on the third I started to get excited, I think, at least partially because I was getting faster and so it was easier to pay attention to the content of the interviews and people said some really interesting stuff! I am awed by the intelligent and insightful things the parents I interviewed have said. But I have also found it quite emotional. In one interview someone shared with me there favourite memory of their child and I then told my favourite memory of my brother. It was Christmas one year and we had both been given a tin in the shape of a bear filled with pebbles. My tin was on the floor and so was my brother. He saw his target and scooted on his back straight for it. With a careful maneuver of his hand he had knocked my tin over, pebbles spilling everywhere. He laughed and laughs, I can almost feel it in my chest. Being a snotty 8 year old I most probably yelled or burst in to tears. It's a strange favourite memory, and it's a little sad. It's my favourite memory because in that moment he was like any other older brother who took pleasure in tormenting their baby sister. Hearing myself recounting this memory, I cried. I felt disappointed that I wanted him to be normal and I also grieved because he's not. It's not an easy topic to research. Perhaps it's not very professional to share my memories and experiences with these people. But I find it really difficult. For one thing all of them know me, my brother and my family. It would be strange to suddenly severe all those connections. But even more significantly I find it impossible to sit there while people share with me some really personal, and sometimes painful things and not give them something in return. For this reason I feel ok sharing, in fact I feel it's kind of necessary. Anyway it's an emotional topic but at the moment I am finding it really rewarding. The people I have talked to are fantastic, they have incredible and important things to say and I'm the person who gets to share them and I can't help but hope I can make a teensy weensy bit of difference.

Temperamental transcription

Today I am biting the bullet and transcribing my little heart out. I really didn't understand just how much time and energy it takes up. It takes me about 20mins to transcribe 3 minutes of talk. Clearly this is going to take some time. It's actually really hard because you have to be constantly paying attention and listening to every word while typing it out. For someone prone to day dreaming, this is difficult. I don't seem able to do more than an hour at a time. This definitely isn't something I want to do again! My head is aching and my brain feels full of words and unintelligible sounds, I would much rather be researching for an essay or reading for a class. Hmm, I always seem to want to do anything but what I'm doing. I think I'm just ever so slightly temperamental and stubborn. I get cranky when I have to do something, when if it's something I would do if I had the choice. I don't like being told what to do, even if it's me doing the telling.

Holy Moses!

Oh goodness! Today I finally bit the bullet and looked at all my due dates for the year. Holy Moses are they close! It will all be over by the end of October. This is not ideal. But I have drawn up a calender with all my due dates and made them all a week early, and I've written down my priorities for the next month. I think it's do-able as long as I keep it manageable and don't get overwhelmed. I mean I am already achieving things I couldn't imagine months, even weeks, and to be honest days and hours, ago. I handed in an essay yesterday and today I did a presentation. The first presentation I have done alone and the first presentation I have done on feminism outside of the comfort of a gender and women's studies class. It sounds a little crazy to say a 20 minute presentation, worth no marks, has been one of the biggest challenges so far, but it has been.Granted, it wasn't intellectually challenging, but shit was it emotionally challenging. When I was in high school I refused to recite a poem in front of class and I took English literature instead of plain old English because I knew you would have to do a speech. I didn't sleep well last night and this morning I was a mess; I threw my socks on the floor because they were uncomfortable, I almost cried because when I went to tear off a banana from the bunch it peeled itself instead, and I swore bloody murder when I got gunk on the lid of my drink bottle. But I walked to uni in the sun, noticing my breath, the white washing on the line and the kingfisher on the power line. Long story short, I did it.I didn't puke or cry or run off. I answered questions, I gave my opinion and I am proud. Because of this I feel like I can finish the year without disaster and I can do three more presentations without dying.