This coming Sunday is Father's Day and Tuesday is my brother's birthday. My mum's having a lunch for my brother on the Sunday and I can't be there. I can't be there for my dad or my brother. I can't afford moneywise or timewise to send wonderful thoughtful gifts either, all I have done is sent homemade cards (which ended up costing me $6 on stamps alone cause apparently they don't sell them as singles anymore, what am I going to do with 8 stamps?). I feel like crap. I know it's not that big a deal, nobody will mind that I'm not there and will understand that I just don't have the time at the moment with my workload. Which by the way is stressing me right out, I haven't done enough work lately and it just doesn't seem possible to get all the work done in time. I couldn't even go if I did have the time because I have a one off job Saturday morning and class on Monday. I think the thing is I know I couldn't go even if I didn't have either of those commitments and I miss my family so much! I have been feeling really lonely and isolated at the moment. People seem to have stopped texting and emailing as much as they used to, probably because I can't respond with my full attention or cheeriness and no one wants a one sided conversation or relationship. Anyway, I think the real reason I am upset is not that I cant be there for my family but that they can't be 'there' for me. It's not that they don't support me or care about me it's that If I was there with them I could get hugs and smiles and encouraging words and my heart wouldn't feel so heavy. Next month is my sister and niece's birthdays and I know I cant be there either. It hurts to know I wont be there and they wont be there for me. In a way it feels a little bit like when you are younger and you have to go to bed while everyone else gets to stay up having a party without you, you can hear them laughing while you lie in bed imaging yourself missing out on things far more exciting and wonderful than is ever going in reality. It doesn't change the feeling though.
You should use a stamp to send me a postcard :) Also if sometimes I don't txt it's because I worry that I am annoying and distracting you from Very Important Stuff. Not because the impulse to send you messages at very odd times of day or the love isn't there.
ReplyDeletePlus it's ok, they sound like they're having fun but they're actually just watching Nightline.
LOVE CHICKEN.