Sigh.

Jimminy jilikers the last couple of days have been HARD! Why? Because I have done nothing. Well actually, I don't know if because I have done nothing the last couple of days have been hard or because the last couple of days have been hard I have done nothing? Either way these were neither happy nor productive days. Including most of today I haven't liked the person I seem to be. I have been incredibly irritable and snappy and angry and horrible to live with. I have felt tears aching in my throat and anger muddling my brain with an almost overwhelming urge to break or throw something. Possibly just as concerning I don't know why I have felt this way. And being what I am starting to think of as a mental health survivor who isn't completely comfortable with her past or her emotions this has scared me. I don't want to go back to the place I was in when I was 16 or 17 or 18 or 19 or 20. I tell myself I am a different person now, I am a strong adult (ish) woman who has shown just how capable she is but sometimes I can't help but feel a bit helpless and hidey like I was 'back then'. Any way, things are starting to look up I haven't had any out bursts of anger or insanity in the last 4 hours :) Oh goodness. And I have done more work today than I have in the last two. Even though it is too soon to tell I feel as though things are turning around. My throat isn't filled with tears, there are only a few remnants lining my tummy and no anger remains just a slight mind fog but one you could drive in (if you can drive, which I can't, but you get the point, I hope).