Stop doubting already

Well goodness. I think it's about time I stopped doubting my intelligence and capability. Yesterday I did my dreaded 2 hour presentation on feminism in my social theory class and although my voice descended into croaks and coughs half way through from the trauma of it (and is yet to return to normal) it was fine, perhaps it was even better than fine. While there were tears the night before (which I attributed to PMS but on reflection was probably from fear and anxiety) I woke up at 6.30 and got out of bed at 7, this was an accomplishment in itself. I walked to class in the freezing cold and icy drizzle with a smile. I got to school 10 minutes early and warm (thanks to the ridiculous amount of layers I had worn that day). I admitted to my lecturer I had tried reading but couldn't understand one of the readings ad I was very sorry - he didn't mind at all. I then started my presentation. I only got through two of the three readings I had done but I took this as a good sign because people were too busy discussing the readings. I felt a certain pride that a class of males were discussing feminism and coming up with some really interesting points and there wasn't a single sexist slur. Then again perhaps I should stop doubting others as well.
Oh have I talked about my other presentation? On Monday I did a presentation for my settler society class on my first essay 'Women Build Nation's Too' and while I felt as though it was a bit basic and was somewhat embarrassed by the simplicity of it people seemed to be interested and most hadn't considered women's roles in nation building. I was originally going to do it on my second essay rugby but it was just too stressful trying to order my thoughts coherently on an essay I hadn't begun. So I returned to my first essay, somewhat worried about being labeled the nagging feminist, seeing I haven't talked about anything else. But there was nothing to worry about. And anyway if I wasn't doing it no one else would be.
So anyway, immediately after class (social theory, not settler societies) my lecturer asked if I had a few minutes to talk to him. I was dreading this. I knew he wanted to talk about my first essay and I also knew I had promised him I would have my thematic analysis (for my research) to him the end of the week been and hadn't. He didn't mind at all that I hadn't finished my thematic analysis and scheduled a meeting for the following Thursday and told me that I was probably the most on track for my 489 (research project) than anyone else. Well shit! I wasn't expecting that. Then he gave me my essay, but first he read me the comments he had written 'because his handwriting was so atrocious' god I couldn't think of anything more painful. But this is the good bit...I GOT AN A!!! and he said it was really well written and a really interesting read! I couldn't believe I had done so well on the class I was sure I would do badly in. I didn't think I could be a 'theorist'. But I did it. And better than that, except for some help with a spell check and grammar from Charlie, I did it all by myself. While Charlie was reading it he said multiple times it was good but on reflection I don't think I really believed him. I though he was just saying it, but he's not really the type to do that, he wouldn't say something if it wasn't true. So I should have known. But more than that I should have known without him saying so.
It was really interesting yesterday all my classmates and lectures had drinks (I didn't they hurt my tummy) and one of my lecturers was talking about how, coming from a working class family and going to university, his family was very supportive but just couldn't really understand what he was doing and how he never really felt like he fit at university, he spoke about another lecturer who was constantly trying to prove himself because he was afraid of being kicked out or something. It made me wonder if perhaps this is a little bit of my problem, I just don't feel like I belong at university and no matter how hard I work or prove to myself that I do belong there, I just don't trust in my own intelligence or capability. My darling Bethy gave me a late (extra special cause it was just at the right time and a surprise) wonderfully thoughtful and perfect graduation present and in the card she wrote about how she had heard there's a syndrome amongst university students that they don't feel like they deserve to be there or deserve their degree. So it's not uncommon, but it's not particularly helpful. Particularly when I keep having mini breakdowns because I just can't see myself finishing this. Oh that reminds me another lecturer talked about how difficult it is to do a masters and PhD because you keep thinking "what right do I have doing this, disagreeing with these important people and who's gonna be interested in this anyway?!" So it really isn't uncommon at all. In a weird way it makes me feel better and I am going to do everything I can to trust in my own ability and just friggin rock the worlds socks (not in an icky way, I don't know if it's an icky phrase or not).

Oh and here is the picture I see whenever I open up my browser, I should listen to her as well