Your sunshine is oozing

Just before I was studying, trying to write the essay I would finish today, thinking of how badly I wanted to stop for the night, I thought of something I desperately wanted to write down. Now I have stopped studying for the night, I have no idea what it was I needed to write so desperately. I'm tired, it's 10.30 so that's pretty normal.

We had a flat inspection today, which meant I had to clean and tidy and when I wasn't I was thinking about it. But it's over now, we passed, as always. I got an essay back today, one I had been dreading, one I was nervous about going back to uni over, in case the lecturer saw me and said how astoundingly shit it was or even just cast a disappointed look my way. I saw an essay in the box he carried around last week and for most of the lesson I felt as though there was a lake in my tummy, but he didn't give it to me. Today he did, at the beginning of class, he forgot last week. I said 'ohthankyou' quieter and meeker than any fictional mouse*. I slid it under my book. Five minutes later I slid it into my bag. every 10 or so minutes after that I would look in my bag for something, once I even opened the pages a little, peeking down looking for the fateful letter, but I lost nerve. If I felt like I had a lake in my tummy last week, today I had a sea and a torrential storm. At the break I checked my phone, twice, then barely noticing I turned to the back page. There it was. it must be a joke. I was ecstatic! I felt like sunshine was oozing out my face. A - . I must still be a writer at heart because in both essays I have gotten back the comment I am proudest of is "very well written". Although I do like it when they refer to me as a sociologist as well.

I feel tired and I feel as though there are tears in my tummy. i haven't achieved what i wanted (finishing my essay), then again I have achieved other things (another A- and a clean house). I just feel as though I'm not trying hard enough, if i was I would be finished now. But I am a human being, I need breaks, I need food and sleep, and laughter, and hugs. Sometimes I feel like being a human is getting in the way of me getting things done.

*mouses don't talk, they squeek, unless they're fictional.

The silent woman in class

Today in class someone said something (I can't remember what exactly) that was pro gender equality and someone else in my class (someone who I have difficulty with normally) said something anti women in response, which he found uproariously funny. I did not. I bit my lip as my fists grew tighter and tighter and my thoughts became more chaotic. When class was over I walked out as fast as I could without running and didn't look back. I couldn't walk fast enough on the way home, the rubber soles of my shoes slapping against the concrete, icy air numbing my face and ringing in my ears. When I got home I cried. I don't think it was really that that person intentionally said something sexist (although it was so , particularly in a classroom setting, particularly in a class that has discussed the issues of racism (amongst other things) for the last year, and particularly as it was already a male dominated environment) that upset me, but the fact that I kept quiet. I don't know why I go silent, stormy and eventually teary when I am offended, hurt, or don't agree. Why can't I stand up for myself? With the upcoming presentations on feminism I am particularly worried about how I am going to handle, will I be able to say anything at all?

Idea mosquitoes

In the last two days idea's have been zipping around in my head, a little like mosquitoes. Unfortunately, I have to spend all my mental energy on writing this social theory essay, which is already quite past it's deadline. But it is nice to feel as though my mind is working again and it is particularly nice to feel the odd mind explosion opening up my mind and illuminating everything for a second. It makes everything seem do-able, and better than that, it makes me excited to do it. And I'm looking forward to finishing this essay and getting on to the next ones. But for now I am stuck wrestling with feminism and social theory. I know I get to this point on every essay, the point where nothing seems to fit together and it seems impossible to get it done, and I know I always manage to get past this, but knowing it is not the same as believing it. As usual I just gotta keep on truckin' and take my own word for it.

Woeasme

I think I am sick again, or I am still sick. I went to Uni yesterday but I was in such a mindmelty uuuggghhh state there wasn't much point me being there, in fact I felt rude as though I wasn't taking class as seriously as everyone else. Someone asked me a question I didn't hear and when I said 'pardon?' they said something along the lines of "never mind you're not really here are you". I really wasn't. Before I started the walk home I ate a muesli bar which somehow came with dirt included. Once I started walking I got cramps in three different places in my torso and to be honest I started to cry, on the street, crying. I just feel so far on the end of my tether I'm about to fall of and the idea my body was breaking down in another way was just too much. I hobbled my way home (when I could have easily asked Charlie to pick me up and he would have gladly, instead I opted to martyr myself (something I despise in other people)). Once I got home I went to bed, not moving and fell asleep, and that was where I spent most of my day. Today I got up at about 10am (which isn't too bad for me lately) but I have done so little work it feels like a bit of a waste. I am lethargic and absolutely frozen to the bone, in fact it feels as if my bones are ice and are sending frozen air around me. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, perhaps its a woe's me post (I always thought it was woeasme, I'm a little disappointed it's not). Because I don't actually believe anyone reads this I think it is more likely just me needing to vent, writing is a type of therapy for me. And plus I kind of think if I am honest about the hard bits then the good bits will be more real. It's like when I was a teenager and I would tell myself if I wasn't depressed (sometimes) then when things got good I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate them. So I guess I am looking forward to really appreciating being healthy.

An upcomming CHALLENGE

I am starting to feel nervous, very nervous. I am a feminist sociologist. When I think about issues, or when I write essays (no matter what class) I do so from a feminist position. I can't help it, I feel like it is an innate part of me. Most of the time I feel proud of this, I am the only one in my honours year in sociology that does this. Most of the time, I feel like if I don't do this I am letting myself, and womankind down (as wanky as that sounds). I also feel like I would be letting my niece down, even though she wouldn't care less it is really important to me to be a good, strong role model for her. The problem is, in a couple of weeks time I will have to do two presentations in front of my (almost entirely male) class, by myself. I have already opted to do my social theory presentation on feminism and I am thinking of doing my qualitative data analysis presentation on what a feminist data analysis would look like. Having social anxiety makes this difficult enough, particularly seeing as I have found it difficult even going to class at times. But the fact I will be standing up (or sitting, either way standing up metaphorically) in front of everyone and put forward my feminist perspective and opinion. Even thinking about it now I can feel the lump in my throat and the churning sea in my tummy. I just don't know how I am going to so this! But shit it will be interesting to see how I do and shit it'll be a challenge!

A bit of sunshine

Today has been another good day and yet, once again, it followed a night with too many thoughts and too little sleep, and began with me ignoring the alarm and hiding under the covers. And like yesterday I eventually got out of bed and started my day. Miraculously I found my mp3 player and it was fully charged. So today I walked to school smiling, with Bob Marley singing to me about a "punky, punky, punky reggae party* and squinty because of the beautiful glow of a hopeful sun. As I passed the park I was pleasantly suprised to see the daffodils were still peeking out of the soil, I wasn't imagining it. And when I passed the creche I almost squeed** out loud as I saw one toddler help the other zip up their jacket. And today, like yesterday, I really enjoyed my class. I was exhausted by break time but still I was interested in what we were talking about, I thought about all sorts of awesome new things, and I genuinely enjoyed being around people in my class. And when I got home I ate some melty out of the oven chocolate chip cookies.

It seems like my lesson for the the time being is to keep on going. If I stay under the covers I won't get to see the little bits of sunshine.

*Punk Reggae Party -listen to it! I love the way he says punky
**Squee a noise you make or something you feel when you see something incredibly, mind blowingly, adorable. http://squee.icanhascheezburger.com/

Something more positive

Today was my first day back at uni. Since I was 'knee high to a grasshopper' I always found it hard going back to school, I was always struck by this irrational anxiety, and it was no different today, especially seeing as I missed the first week being sick.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep no matter what I tried, I just couldn't turn my thoughts off. This morning I ignored my alarm going off every ten minutes, each time making me jump, and I yelled at Charlie when he told me to get up. Hearing myself yelling at him when he was just trying to help was the fright I needed to get out of bed. I have to say I am a little bit proud, even though it looked a little like rain and I couldn't find my mp3 player I didn't make puppy eyes at Charlie until he took me to Uni, instead I walked (wearing my headphones to keep my ears warm and to look like the cool kids) and I felt good. On the way past the park I noticed the teeny green shoots of daffodils were starting to grow and I couldn't help but feel hopeful.

I enjoyed being back in classes, I enjoyed the discussions and I enjoyed sitting back and watching the show. I spoke up when I felt like it and I wasn't filled with hatred when the person I have difficulty spoke.

Again I felt good and I felt proud.

I have been feeling terrible lately, disregarding being sick, I have felt extra sensitive, socially anxious, stressed, and to be honest a little crazy. But today I have been thinking and it seems that sometimes when you are feeling your weakest you are at your strongest. I have wanted to quit and I have wanted to hide under the covers and even though the temptation is still there, I am 'acting opposite'. This year, doing honours, is the most difficult and testing thing I have ever done and yet I am doing it.

With all these thoughts running through my mind I decided to do something I had been avoiding, getting my essay back and finding out my mark. I went up to the office, I smiled at the office lady, I asked for my essay, I got my essay. I walked rather quickly to the stairs, I walked more quickly down the stairs, my heart was racing, this would be my first mark of the year, I got to about the 6th floor, I started to take a quick peek at the pages, I saw it, A-. I almost squealed, then I almost cried.

I am doing the right thing, I am probably not going to fail the year, and I am proud!

If I can't change the world...

This is a little rant I had at the beginning of writing a social theory essay about the feminist and sociologist:
When I was in high school and thinking about what I 'wanted to be when I grew up' I was drawn to sociology. As an idealistic youth I wanted to change the world and I saw sociology as a way of doing that. Now, as a somewhat disillusioned honours student, I have almost forgotten why I got into sociology in the first place. In much the same way as an idealistic teen I was drawn to feminism, believing I could be a part of the feminist revolution to overthrow centuries of patriarchal domination. Now, as a some whast disillusioned honours student, I have become satisfied working feminist theory into my pieces of work, it isn't quite the 'sticking it to the Man' I imagined as a teen. Although it is clear the younger me was incredibly arrogant to believe myself capable of overthrowing patriarchy and changing the world, it has made me wonder if I'm not going to change the world, why do I want to be a feminist sociologist?

Thank fuck for family and friends

I meant to mention this in the last post but decided it deserved it's own. Thank fuck for my family and friends! I am so incredibly grateful for all the amazing people in my life who have kept me going. It means so much to have your boyfriend read your essays, cook you dinner and do the dishes, and hug you when you need it most. Or to have your sister how proud she is of you. Or to have your mum buy you a a heater to keep you warm and lamp so you can see better when you study or to give you advice and sympathy when you're sick. Or to have your best friend come to stay, happy to do very little while you study, and to be ready to laugh when you're done. And there are so many more, wonderful things they do and many more people who help too. I am where I am because of the people in my life and I thank fuck for that!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I haven't written in a long time and I shouldn't be writing this now, I'm too busy. I'm sick and it feels as if I have been all year. I'm behind, and again, it feels as if I have been all year. I know I enjoy my classes, I know I enjoy learning, I know I enjoy the mind explossions, sometimes I even get excited. But I'm becoming more and more worried about what Honours is doing to me, my body is at the best temperamental, and my mind, or more specifically my emotions, have become much the same. I can't see myself passing this year. I'm scared. I need to see my BA just to reasure myself I have gotten this far. I tell myself and other people it's not the grade but the learning, and not just the academic that counts, but at the moment I'm continually forgeting this. That being said there is a small, golden spec in me that knows I will get to the end of the year and it is very likely I will pass and all I have to do, as that fad slogan says is:

From: http://weheartit.com/entry/10722691