Lessons

I seem to keep learning the same lessons over and over again, today that lesson is: just do it*. I have been putting off writing my CV cause it makes me feel shitty (who would want to hire me) and putting off doing the dishes because there are just too many of them and they're icky! But I have done them both today and I don't feel shitty, I feel accomplished. Not just from doing the dishes and writing my CV but from what is in my CV. The good and hard bit about CV's is you have to put the best of you forward. I didn't know how hard it would be. On the up side though I think I like myself more now, I have come face to face with myself and my accomplishments, and I like that person :) I guess that's another lesson I have to keep learning too, to love myself, to like myself and to put that self forward.

*I hate nike so ignore the product placement

News

I got my final results back for my honours year today, and I got FIRST CLASS HONOURS! First I asked Charlie what that meant - that's the best you can get, then I jumped all over the house. I am so incredibly proud, I feel like my entire school life of trying my best but only getting average grades has paid off. I am also a bit in shock.

Uncertainty

I feel heartbroken even though no one has broken my heart. I am fine but I feel like I'm not. My chest feels hollow or filled with tears or both. I am happy but that's not what my body is telling me. Perhaps I'm exhausted. I feel a bit lost and a bit scared. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know where I will be living in February, I know I want to live here with the tuis and kakas but I don't know if we can afford it. I don't know how we will afford to live in the way we have (with just enough to get by) and I don't know if I will have a job or what it will be. I don't know what I will be doing next year. I don't know what is going on inside or outside of me.

I am a nutter

Oh my goodness. I think I have forgotten how to relax. I have been up since 7. It's 11.30am. I have helped Charlie get ready for work. This is the second blog post I have written. I wrote an email/a novel to my niece, I have applied for the unemployed student benefit, I have looked into applying for a Masters scholarship, I have emailed two potential referee's and supervisors (one's already said yes to both, yay!) and played sims online. I also compliled a list of possible things to do because I couldn't handle not having any plans. Hehe I'm a nutter.

An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.

It's over, I'm done

That's all I have to say right now, I'm exhausted.

Onwards and upwards to victory

In the words of lecturer and supervisor, I am "onwards and upwards to victory!" Or something like that anyway. After a slightly nightmarish situation with the university computers and printing i handed in my social theory essay. I don't think it is very good, I deleted a good chunk and there was an even larger chunk I would have liked to write but didn't because of the word limit. Anyway, I have let it go. when it gets to the point of handing it in I am so involved and removed from it at the same time that I have no idea how good it is. Anyway, 'another one bites the dust' yay :) Now all I have left is a few more read throughs and edits of my research project. It's kind of neat that it is the last to hand in because it has been the most difficult, is the biggest, is my favourite, and I am most proud of it.

I like myself

I like myself and I like the way I write, I don't think there are many people in honours who write the way I do and I take some pride in that, even though it may make me a little unsure at times. Here is the current beginning to the introduction of my social theory/third wave feminism essay:

When I was a teenager I would pump the music of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre through my headphones wherever I went, I would scrawl their lyrics across my school books, and when I grew up I wanted to be Kathleen Hanna.

P.s: it must be working because I just found out for my second data analysis essay I got a 'provisional A' (that means it is still to go to moderation and the grade might change, but that's what my lecturer thinks my work is worth so I'm pretty proud :) )

Pink Floyd

Listening to Wish You Were Here in stereo, as loud as it goes, on my headphones, is good for my soul. That is all.

I'm inspired

As you know I woke up tired but now 6 hours later I am also inspired. I got to talk to my best friend and my mum :) I made a pact with my mum today that even though we were both feeling a bit cruddy about not doing as much as we had hoped we would not 'self flagellate' today. Spending 7 years of my life going to a catholic school I find I would definitely 'self flagellate' if I had promised not to and did. Makes sense? probably not. Anyway, having that outlook along with a good talk about loving yourself with my bestest friend I have felt a lot lighter and my mind has been clearer. I feel inspired, I feel content, and I feel good about myself :) Now I am going to eat a bit of chocolate and I am going to enjoy it. Have a nice day :)

I'm tired

I am so tired this morning. Charlie had to be at work at 7.30 this morning which meant he had to get up at 6.20. I got up too to help him get ready and so it was easier for him to get up. Unfortunately we were up til after 11 and we left the dryer on when we went to bed, which my mind just couldn't handle - what if it drys forever, what if the house burns down etc. So I didn't get much sleep. I have been up 2 hours and 40 minutes and I think I may need my 2nd coffee which is scheduled three o'clock this afternoon. I haven't started working yet. I helped Charlie, then drank my coffee watching rugrats, then I ate breakfast watching hey arnold and then I had a nap on the couch listening to ah real monsters. I'm a grownup I swear! I'm nervous about writing this essay. I think part of it is that this is the last one and part of me doesn't want it to end. At the same time the idea that half of the work I have done this year will come down to 5,000 words written over 3 days and it has been so much more than that. Oh well. I just gotta believe in myself and enjoy this final challenge as much as possible. And try to stay awake.

10 days left

In 10 days time, whether I like it or not, all this madness will be over.Although the shock of it all being over may bring on a new kind of madness but It'll only be temporary. Today, like yesterday, was a roller coaster day. Even though I woke up with a sore back I got up drank my coffee and got to work. 3 or 4 hours later Charlie heard me sobbing. All the work I had done this morning had disappeared, the programme I was using closed it self taking all my (yes unsaved) work with it. But my darling Charlie took me to the supermarket to cheer me up, I know it;s strange but at the moment going to the supermarket is a treat. But he took what I thought was a shortcut, if I had been paying attention I would have realised he actually went a couple of suburbs too far. Charlie took me to a lovely cafe that makes the worlds best pies! We shared a chicken and chirizo and a Sheppard's. They were spectacular! Then, then I took him to the second hand shop next door, it was open on a Saturday it was clearly a sign! I found a lovely shapely black singlet top and these phenomenal near new sailor-esque pants that are just the stuff of dreams and a really cool belt that actually fits me and holds up my pants instead of just looking good. Anyway then some bad stuff happened and some good and some bad and some good etc etc. But either way I can hold on to the fact that there are only 10 more days to go :)

I Judged my blog by its cover

I judged by blog by it's colour and I decided I hate it. I don't actually like blue, I thought I had gotten over my strong dislike (my mum always told me to say that instead of hate), but I hadn't. So I changed it again, this one has red in it. Red is my favourite. It's got birds too, I like birds. Don't get used to it though I might decide I hate this one too.

Roller coaster

Today has felt like a roller coaster. Although I have never been on a roller coaster only a circular one where you went round and round indefinitely,maybe today has been more like that. No, it's been a roller coaster, the loopy thing is too dramatic :) This whole year has been like a roller coaster, but today especially. I have felt up and down, terrified and overwhelmed then happy, excited even. I see the end in sight but I also see that before I can get off and let my body (and mind) recover there's a final drop that I'm just not sure I can handle. I do feel a bit like the girl I went on the ride with though, crying for my mummy and wanting to get off (at least that's how I remember it, she wasn't very nice, my mind may have embellished).

Two things

I came across this quote reading an interview with Nancy Fraser for my social theory/third wave feminism essay. I have really liked what she has had to say in the past but had forgotten all about her until she popped into my head this afternoon. Anyway this interview was one of those things I read that just blow my mind open with all these new thoughts and possibilities. I had almost forgot the feeling, but not anymore. I think I get that feeling more from social and feminist theory than anywhere else and it has rekindled my love for it at just the right time. Anyway she said a lot of wonderful things but it was this quote that made me want to scream yes! I feel exactly the same way! and with further ado, here it is:

"throughout my adult life I have cared passionately about two different things: the intellectual project of understanding the world and the political project of changing it” -Nancy Fraser , 2004

Another thing that I am really enjoying tonight, and I may have already said this, and it may be really weird but I really love numbers I enjoy writing down page numbers especially where there is some symmetry to them like 22 or 1111 or 8383. I think they're lovely. I really like letters and words as well but I prefer to write them down feeling the shape of them and seeing my hand and pen create them. I know I'm abnormal but I don't care I am enjoying myself.

In the words of queen . . .

"Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust"
I handed in another essay today ! Only one more to write ! I am proud ! That is all.

Judging a blog by its cover

As you may have noticed (my one and only reader lovely Beth) I have changed my blog designy layouty thing. I just felt like a change (and accidentally deleted all the personalisation's I had done to the last layouty designy thing) and the doodles on the sides of the page remind me of the margins of all my exercise books, I think they're quite fitting and I think they're cute too. Also I feel like I have been taking myself a bit too seriously this last year and just need to chill out a bit and have a bit more fun with what is left of this experience (my honours year).

The end is in sight, in a good way

Today has been a strange day. At 12am we got woken up by the police knocking on the door, they had the wrong address. I couldn't get back to sleep for ages after that surreal excitement and then slept in late. Actually, I'm not sure I want to outline my entire strange but boring day. I'm behind on an essay and have had to ask for an extension. Unfortunately this means I now have less time to do my other essay. I got my second draft for my research report back today it was covered in blue ink but thankfully it's mostly just silly mistakes with grammar etc. I got a major ego boost today, I ran into possibly my favourite undergrad lecturer who has been on sabbatical. For one thing she recognised and remembered me, for another thing she was happy to see me and best of all she said my supervisor told her I had been doing really well this year :-) I feel so flattered and proud! Even though I think all my lecturers are great it is her and my supervisor I have the highest regard for they are both so incredibly intelligent and and insightful it is such an honour to have them be impressed by my work :) That being said I have a lot to do before the end of the month and I have very little motivation today. On the up side Charlie is reading my essay for the second time today and is helping me with this one really frustrating part that just doesn't quite fit and once we sort that I can hand it in which leaves one social theory essay on third wave feminism and a final edit of my research report. The social theory essay will be really interesting and really hard brain work which I am going to enjoy as much as possible and the report is just some tidying up which is awesome cause I so often doubted that I would finish it. The end is in sight!

A milestone

There's so much I would like to write but I just don't have the time. Still I just had to say today I am handing in the first of the 4 assignments due this month and even though its far from perfect I feel good:)

Things I consider 'news' now

I am the proud new owner of an ergonomic keyboard and a mouse that glows blue! I was writing the feminism and conversation analysis I was talking about and around 8 o'clock I got this agonizing pain in my wrist that moved up to my elbow. So I freaked out just a tiny bit, gave it a rub, wrapped it in a bandage, and decided not to use it for the rest of the night. All the while my oh so darling boyfriend got on trade me and found a keyboard and mouse for me - working on a laptop for another mouse would have destroyed my left arm. So anyway I am using them now which has made a big difference and the novelty hasn't warn off yet so it makes writing more fun :) I have it all sorted I have a snugly blanky on my desk that covers the part where I put my arm on the desk (it was freezing on there before, I would get too hot because I needed am extra jersey just to keep that part of my arms warm), I have charlies big laptop on top of my giant dictionary and a third wave feminism encyclopedia so it's at the right height, then I have my new key board propped up with some nifty egg carton craft at the perfect slope and my new mouse on the cardboard back of a book (I'm not shelling out for a mouse pad).

In other news, this is hard. I'm finding writing and editing harder than I thought. At the moment I am trying to narrow my 15,000 word project down to 10,000 (I can't seem to get it under 13,000). One of the things that makes me uncomfortable about it is that I have to cut the words of the people I have interviewed as well, which just doesn't seem right. But I'm trying to tell myself if I make my project less wordy and more clear I am giving more strength to their voices anyway. The other part that's hard is that i find part of the research pretty upsetting so I keep wanting to stop and have a break, but then I don't have the time and if I do keep having breaks it makes it harder to come back. That's another thing, even though I am working harder and longer than I have before I don't feel like it's enough and no matter how hard Iwork I can't get rid of this lingering stress and guilt.

I got an email from my mum today asking if I have time to see my brother in about 2 weeks time, obviously I don't. But then I already said no once which brought me to tears and gave me a sad tummy for a couple of days. Plus my brother hasn't come to Wellington in the four years I have lived here so It's pretty much a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's kind of a catch-22 situation, if I say know I will feel awful again and if I say yes I will stress about it and will have that much time less to work. But at least if I say yes I will get to see him and I'm sure it would make me happy. Sigh. The missing out on stuff and having to say no all the time is possibly the hardest part of honours.

Thinking out loud

I am writing this in the hope that I will finally get some clarity on the essay I should be writing right now. Sometimes I forget how hard the thinking part of the essay is. I am (not quite) writing an essay on feminism and conversation analysis. Conversation Analysis (CA) is a methodology for the analysis of naturally occurring conversations which are recorded and then transcribed in incredible detail which tries to include as much of the interaction as possible (i.e pauses, inhalations, exhalations, rise in pitch, lowering of pitch, that sort of thing.). The context of the conversations are not as important as the interaction itself as conversation analysts are looking for the ways in which people show they are experts at social interactions; taking turns speaking, 'repairing' words they don't judge to be quite right, etc. We don't necessarily know that we're doing it but there's pretty good evidence to show we really are experts at interaction sub-consciously abiding by these rules of interaction and it is through transcribing in such an extensive way than conversation analysts uncover these.

So anyway, I was first interest in the topic because of the way that feminism is concerned with both the macro - the social conditions in which women are oppressed in patriarchal society's and the micro - the personal experiences of women and so Conversation Analysis is focused upon the micro - the minute details of everyday conversations and in a less obvious way the macro - the unspoken rules that govern our interactions. Plus I also think that maybe feminism would benefit from a bit more of a focus on the micro side of things - how we interact in our everyday lives. The other thing that really appealed to me about Conversation Analysis is that it really privileges the participants (the people participating in the conversations) orientations. Conversation Analysts only study that which the participants have analysed, if it's not in their conversation, if they haven't given it meaning then the analyst can't study it. This really appealed to me because as a newbie researcher I felt really weird imposing my own thoughts, perspectives and agenda on the people who participated in my interviews.

As I have read more and more and thought more and more about this subject everything seems to come back to this focus participant orientations, both feminism and CA think it's really important to respect and privilege participants but only Conversation analysts seem to take this all the way through to analysis (although some people criticize them for using specialist language in the research and choosing what is important to the participants).There's also the problem of feminist politics, how can researchers orient to feminist politics? And is CA's emphasis on the minute details at the expense of broader political realities ? But then as Conversation Analysts (and feminist ones) have said if it matters to the participants which CA shows it does, then it should matter to the analyst.

Hmm. I don't know if I have got any further along in my thinking. I am really worried about spreading this out to 6,000 words and I'm worried it will be a disjointed mess. But there's no time for worrying, just for doing.

Happiness

I'm happy and content. I just made and ate a delicious lunch of cheese and jalapeno on toast and a huge salad and then, then I went for a short walk up to the top of our street. we live on a beautiful street, especially on a beautiful sunny day like today. The sky is a beautiful blue and on our street it seems limitless, I can see all the way to the sea and before that a the hills fold in to frame it spotted with beautiful old houses. Our street is covered with stunning beautiful coloured houses with funky letter boxes and weird plants, and the sound! Tui's are singing almost constantly. By far my favourite thing about our street and our home is the birds, we have tui and kaka and kereru. Tui were everywhere and as I was walking a kereru soared right beside me into the expansive sky. So yeah. I'm happy. I'm contented. All it took was about 40 minutes. I have to do this again!

Not another f**king sunny day!

I am very cranky this morning. When I woke up and opened the curtains I sighed it's another beautiful day where I spend all of it inside. Right now I am feeling sorry for myself and a like there are a few tears in my tummy swimming around.There is a month to go and there is still a lot to be done I have written my big research report (worth 100%) and all that's left is to do a final draft and then the final copy and I feel pretty good about that, out of all my work this year that is the one that has seemed the most impossible, it's also been the one that has tested me the most: I have had to come to terms with my own feelings around having a brother with high and complex needs, I have had to deal with my social anxiety and feeling of inadequacy to interview people and I have had to work hard to respect their voices while still putting forward my own, plus having to self motivate, set my own deadlines, and work by myself all year. So at least I have accomplished that and going by my supervisors comments I will likely pass. The three other essays are not as under control. I am writing an essay on the possibility of feminist conversation analysis ( a really precise methodology for the analysis of conversations) which I am really interested in I'm just worried I won't be able to pull it all together. I am also writing an essay on rugby in New Zealand, nation building and masculinity (how rugby has helped to build the new Zealand 'nation' since British settlement and how this has established a national masculinity in the same process) . . . not something I thought I would ever write or be interested in, but I am and I'm really enjoying finding out all this information I didn't know, then again it does feel a little scary writing an essay on something I knew very little about prior. The last essay I am writing is on third wave feminism and the questions this raises for social theory (what counts as theory, who can be theorists, who should theory be for etc) which again I am really interested in, at the moment I am kind of consumed by the idea of theory and theorists and all the issues involved in that. I guess it kind of shows how I am struggling with my increasingly 'academic' self. Social theory was the class I least wanted to do and the class I have found the most demanding, but it's also the class I have got my best mark in. I think I do best when doing something I don't think I can do, that's really difficult and that really tests me. So maybe I'll do well this year after all. After talking about all this I feel a bit more enthusiastic to get into these essays and see what I'm capable of. I feel a bit more cheerful too. So thank you imaginary audience :)

Disclaimer: When I say 'am writing' I haven't actually started writing, at all.

Sometimes I feel like big bird ...

Lucky we have Dianna Ross to remind us to believe in ourselves!

P.s click the words beleive in youself above if you want Dianna Ross and Big Bird to make you feel good

Wanky academicy writing

It's 6.30pm and I feel shattered. I guess that's pms for you. It may also have something to do with the onions Charlie's cutting that are making my eyes want to close. I am working on writing my dissertation and I have gotten pretty far but I'm a bit stuck on the methodology section, the introduction and the conclusion, all the hard parts. Perhaps some of the problem is that I don't feel academic enough and I am a little worried that when all the lectures gather round and listen to the guest marker talk about my years work they will erupt into laughter. But that's probably just the pms talking. All the lecturers have said my work is well written but I worry it is not academicy enough. I mean I know I could write like a wanker if I wanted to but I don't. I think it's the 'academics' responsibility to make their work accessible, I would really like it if my friends and family knew what I was going on about rather than just a few lecturers. I also think if you can make something difficult more easy to understand and can do so in everyday language you are showing you have a good understanding of what your talking about. I don't mean dumbing down I mean wanking down. So much academic text just sounds so wanky I'm too busy making silly faces and gestures at the page to read it let alone understand their argument. Plus, I think my work is way more interesting to read, I kind of think of it like a well thought out conversation with a friend where I don't swear or make up my own words. So maybe I just needed to vent and reassert my position. I really do feel strongly about it, I even wrote an essay (not entirely, a large part) on it. Then again when those moments of doubt sneak in, particularly around about the second week of every month (get the hint?), a part of me just wants the smart (and arrogant and wanky) kids to like me.

Here is an informative illustration:

I've seen better days and I've seen worse

Today didn't start out too well I slept late and woke up feeling incredibly stressed and completely lost. I ended up bursting into tears and blubbering some rubbish about how I just wanted to feel pretty. Yip, pms is visiting once again and no it doesn't get any easier. But once I cried I felt a lot better and imediately after I was ready to take control and get shit done. I did an hour or so of work and then Charlie and I ran some errands. Half way through I felt incredibly sick and it didn't go away, it hasn't gone away. I sat for about an hour and then I did more work! Slowly, but I am working through it and I feel good about it.
In other news here's a picture I came across that I love! It makes me feel a lot better about speaking up in any situation I don't feel particularly comfortable in, especially in class. I am a definite voice shaker.

In other news

In other news the previous homepage got a little too much for me (I felt a bit overwhelmed with the super feminist 'you can do it' pressure) and so I replaced it with this little fella:
who never fails to make me smile whenever I see him. (Sometimes I open up Mozilla just to say hi) perhaps I should give him a name. . . . . . I think I'll call him. . . Flick! (like the little fire engine).

Not everything goes to plan

Yesterday and today have oh so kindly tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me things don't necessarily go to plan. Yesterday I was going to make dinner in my 2 hour break, but us being us, we hadn't done dishes in what appeared to be a decade. So I spent the first half hour organizing the dishes and cleaning the bench to get ready to wash the dishes! Then when it was time to do the dishes there was no hot water, so I waited half an hour (and watched tv) and washed the few things I needed to make dinner under the increasingly luke warm 'hot tap' anyway then I got to the business of making dinner (which I enjoy). By the time dinner was ready to be eaten it was the end of my break. So I ignored the plan and enjoyed dinner with Charlie :) But after all that kafuffle I was shattered and needed a break... which got longer....and longer....at which point I went to bed early. Oops. Today I stuck to my plan up until a point but I just wasn't ready to go back to work at 3.30, particularly not with the heartbreaking and anger inducing dissertation on disability to write! Or three equally as ominous thought barriers to get over (i.e what next? how do I make sense of this? what am I trying to say? etc). So I haven't really got that far. At five I had a teensy weensy melt down (partly cause my oh so clever and spectacular niece invited me to her school play - in which she is the female lead! Which I just wont be able to go to) during which I said "Why don't I just quit?" and closed the book I was working in. But the oh so wonderful and rational Charlie helped me make a very complicated and long winded plan for the next 42 days. That's right I only have 42 days until it's all over. Any way now I have restored my faith in plans and my ability to follow them I'm feeling pretty good :) In the event that not everything goes to plan, make another one!

Making Plans

Today has been a good day and it's only 11am. Sunday I was feeling awful and admitted to Charlie I was scared and overwhelmed by honours and as always he said just the right thing in a way no one else would be able to get away with. He made a plan for me which told me when to study and when to have breaks, I didn't start it yesterday cause I had class which kind of got in the way, but in a good way even though I felt nervous about going back to class in case someone, god forbid, asked me how work was going. But they didn't and it was nice to be back amongst people I am starting to think of as friends, it will be sad when it's all over saying good bye (although me being me I won't say goodbye I'll sneak out the door when no one's looking). Anyway today I have started the plan charlie made for me and for the first time in ages I can write this with out feeling as though I should be studying - I don't have to, it's my break :). I got up at 6.30am (actually out of bed at 6.50, but it's all good I'll try harder to get up tomorrow), Charlie made me a coffee and I got straight into studying at my desk in our lovely warm room where I could see the sun rising :) At 8.30 I had breakfast and a sit down and got back to it at 9. I took a five minute break about 10 (lying own on the bed noticing my breathing -a little bit of mindfulness -something that I know has helped me stay sane in the past) and felt super rejuvenated!Now at 11 I have 2 hours to do what I like -so I'm writing this then I'll have some lunch and watch a trashy programme and if I feel up to it do some dishes. I'm going back to work at 1 and then at 2 I will have a half our coffee and trashy tv break and possibly dip something into Nutella :) Then another 2 hours a dinner break of two hours that just happens to be when neighbours on (yes it's trashy but I love it) 2 more hours work and then an hour to chill out before bed. it might sound a bit crazy and freaky military regimey but I feel so good and relatively stress free I have my day planned out with scheduled breaks instead of guilty minutes that turn into hours of not studying. And I know this being the first day it's all well and good saying I'm enjoying it now and sticking to it but it's another thing to say the same in a week or two. But then at the moment knowing I am capable of even one days real decent work awhile feeling positive is so valuable to me I don't care.
Another thing I'm doing that may or may not be constructive is making lists. I have been haunted with lists of things rushing around in my head I would do if I could and it has made me resent studying .But I have started writting them down and I haven't felt haunted anymore, I've just a bit excited about all the things I can do when November comes. Until then I'm content studying my little butt off :)

I won't be there and neither will they

This coming Sunday is Father's Day and Tuesday is my brother's birthday. My mum's having a lunch for my brother on the Sunday and I can't be there. I can't be there for my dad or my brother. I can't afford moneywise or timewise to send wonderful thoughtful gifts either, all I have done is sent homemade cards (which ended up costing me $6 on stamps alone cause apparently they don't sell them as singles anymore, what am I going to do with 8 stamps?). I feel like crap. I know it's not that big a deal, nobody will mind that I'm not there and will understand that I just don't have the time at the moment with my workload. Which by the way is stressing me right out, I haven't done enough work lately and it just doesn't seem possible to get all the work done in time. I couldn't even go if I did have the time because I have a one off job Saturday morning and class on Monday. I think the thing is I know I couldn't go even if I didn't have either of those commitments and I miss my family so much! I have been feeling really lonely and isolated at the moment. People seem to have stopped texting and emailing as much as they used to, probably because I can't respond with my full attention or cheeriness and no one wants a one sided conversation or relationship. Anyway, I think the real reason I am upset is not that I cant be there for my family but that they can't be 'there' for me. It's not that they don't support me or care about me it's that If I was there with them I could get hugs and smiles and encouraging words and my heart wouldn't feel so heavy. Next month is my sister and niece's birthdays and I know I cant be there either. It hurts to know I wont be there and they wont be there for me. In a way it feels a little bit like when you are younger and you have to go to bed while everyone else gets to stay up having a party without you, you can hear them laughing while you lie in bed imaging yourself missing out on things far more exciting and wonderful than is ever going in reality. It doesn't change the feeling though.

Sigh.

Jimminy jilikers the last couple of days have been HARD! Why? Because I have done nothing. Well actually, I don't know if because I have done nothing the last couple of days have been hard or because the last couple of days have been hard I have done nothing? Either way these were neither happy nor productive days. Including most of today I haven't liked the person I seem to be. I have been incredibly irritable and snappy and angry and horrible to live with. I have felt tears aching in my throat and anger muddling my brain with an almost overwhelming urge to break or throw something. Possibly just as concerning I don't know why I have felt this way. And being what I am starting to think of as a mental health survivor who isn't completely comfortable with her past or her emotions this has scared me. I don't want to go back to the place I was in when I was 16 or 17 or 18 or 19 or 20. I tell myself I am a different person now, I am a strong adult (ish) woman who has shown just how capable she is but sometimes I can't help but feel a bit helpless and hidey like I was 'back then'. Any way, things are starting to look up I haven't had any out bursts of anger or insanity in the last 4 hours :) Oh goodness. And I have done more work today than I have in the last two. Even though it is too soon to tell I feel as though things are turning around. My throat isn't filled with tears, there are only a few remnants lining my tummy and no anger remains just a slight mind fog but one you could drive in (if you can drive, which I can't, but you get the point, I hope).

Stop doubting already

Well goodness. I think it's about time I stopped doubting my intelligence and capability. Yesterday I did my dreaded 2 hour presentation on feminism in my social theory class and although my voice descended into croaks and coughs half way through from the trauma of it (and is yet to return to normal) it was fine, perhaps it was even better than fine. While there were tears the night before (which I attributed to PMS but on reflection was probably from fear and anxiety) I woke up at 6.30 and got out of bed at 7, this was an accomplishment in itself. I walked to class in the freezing cold and icy drizzle with a smile. I got to school 10 minutes early and warm (thanks to the ridiculous amount of layers I had worn that day). I admitted to my lecturer I had tried reading but couldn't understand one of the readings ad I was very sorry - he didn't mind at all. I then started my presentation. I only got through two of the three readings I had done but I took this as a good sign because people were too busy discussing the readings. I felt a certain pride that a class of males were discussing feminism and coming up with some really interesting points and there wasn't a single sexist slur. Then again perhaps I should stop doubting others as well.
Oh have I talked about my other presentation? On Monday I did a presentation for my settler society class on my first essay 'Women Build Nation's Too' and while I felt as though it was a bit basic and was somewhat embarrassed by the simplicity of it people seemed to be interested and most hadn't considered women's roles in nation building. I was originally going to do it on my second essay rugby but it was just too stressful trying to order my thoughts coherently on an essay I hadn't begun. So I returned to my first essay, somewhat worried about being labeled the nagging feminist, seeing I haven't talked about anything else. But there was nothing to worry about. And anyway if I wasn't doing it no one else would be.
So anyway, immediately after class (social theory, not settler societies) my lecturer asked if I had a few minutes to talk to him. I was dreading this. I knew he wanted to talk about my first essay and I also knew I had promised him I would have my thematic analysis (for my research) to him the end of the week been and hadn't. He didn't mind at all that I hadn't finished my thematic analysis and scheduled a meeting for the following Thursday and told me that I was probably the most on track for my 489 (research project) than anyone else. Well shit! I wasn't expecting that. Then he gave me my essay, but first he read me the comments he had written 'because his handwriting was so atrocious' god I couldn't think of anything more painful. But this is the good bit...I GOT AN A!!! and he said it was really well written and a really interesting read! I couldn't believe I had done so well on the class I was sure I would do badly in. I didn't think I could be a 'theorist'. But I did it. And better than that, except for some help with a spell check and grammar from Charlie, I did it all by myself. While Charlie was reading it he said multiple times it was good but on reflection I don't think I really believed him. I though he was just saying it, but he's not really the type to do that, he wouldn't say something if it wasn't true. So I should have known. But more than that I should have known without him saying so.
It was really interesting yesterday all my classmates and lectures had drinks (I didn't they hurt my tummy) and one of my lecturers was talking about how, coming from a working class family and going to university, his family was very supportive but just couldn't really understand what he was doing and how he never really felt like he fit at university, he spoke about another lecturer who was constantly trying to prove himself because he was afraid of being kicked out or something. It made me wonder if perhaps this is a little bit of my problem, I just don't feel like I belong at university and no matter how hard I work or prove to myself that I do belong there, I just don't trust in my own intelligence or capability. My darling Bethy gave me a late (extra special cause it was just at the right time and a surprise) wonderfully thoughtful and perfect graduation present and in the card she wrote about how she had heard there's a syndrome amongst university students that they don't feel like they deserve to be there or deserve their degree. So it's not uncommon, but it's not particularly helpful. Particularly when I keep having mini breakdowns because I just can't see myself finishing this. Oh that reminds me another lecturer talked about how difficult it is to do a masters and PhD because you keep thinking "what right do I have doing this, disagreeing with these important people and who's gonna be interested in this anyway?!" So it really isn't uncommon at all. In a weird way it makes me feel better and I am going to do everything I can to trust in my own ability and just friggin rock the worlds socks (not in an icky way, I don't know if it's an icky phrase or not).

Oh and here is the picture I see whenever I open up my browser, I should listen to her as well

Shoulds and haven'ts

I shouldn't be writing this right now. I should be studying. But I just feel so lost. I have wanted to cry all night, but haven't, it wouldn't be socially acceptable. I have 'bitten off more than I can chew' and feel as though I am choking on it. I have told my supervisor I would have a thematic analysis to him by the end of the week, today is Thursday and as of yet there I have not typed a single word towards it. On Monday I have to do a presentation, worth 10%, and I still don't know what to talk about. I wanted to write an essay on rugby in New Zealand and how it has impacted on and been impacted by national myths. But I'm scared they will laugh me out of class. What am i doing talking about rugby in a serious and important class like this? And what does a silly little girl know about rugby? On Wednesday I have to lead the class for 2 hours discussing four feminist readings I don't understand. I haven't even read all of them yet. I don't know how much what I'm feeling is stress and social anxiety and how much is pms but right now I'm not feeling so good (in the head).

Terrible and Wonderful

Oh my Great Grandfather! I've finished transcribing! And I'm one day ahead of schedule! It was terrible and wonderful. My fingers cramped up and my brain went cloudy. I feel as though I have spent the last four days in deep conversation with my interviewees, the only thing is I can't tell anyone about my day, it's kind of lonely in that way. But then it's also less lonely because at least while I'm working I have someone to listen to. I hated it on the second day on the third I started to get excited, I think, at least partially because I was getting faster and so it was easier to pay attention to the content of the interviews and people said some really interesting stuff! I am awed by the intelligent and insightful things the parents I interviewed have said. But I have also found it quite emotional. In one interview someone shared with me there favourite memory of their child and I then told my favourite memory of my brother. It was Christmas one year and we had both been given a tin in the shape of a bear filled with pebbles. My tin was on the floor and so was my brother. He saw his target and scooted on his back straight for it. With a careful maneuver of his hand he had knocked my tin over, pebbles spilling everywhere. He laughed and laughs, I can almost feel it in my chest. Being a snotty 8 year old I most probably yelled or burst in to tears. It's a strange favourite memory, and it's a little sad. It's my favourite memory because in that moment he was like any other older brother who took pleasure in tormenting their baby sister. Hearing myself recounting this memory, I cried. I felt disappointed that I wanted him to be normal and I also grieved because he's not. It's not an easy topic to research. Perhaps it's not very professional to share my memories and experiences with these people. But I find it really difficult. For one thing all of them know me, my brother and my family. It would be strange to suddenly severe all those connections. But even more significantly I find it impossible to sit there while people share with me some really personal, and sometimes painful things and not give them something in return. For this reason I feel ok sharing, in fact I feel it's kind of necessary. Anyway it's an emotional topic but at the moment I am finding it really rewarding. The people I have talked to are fantastic, they have incredible and important things to say and I'm the person who gets to share them and I can't help but hope I can make a teensy weensy bit of difference.

Temperamental transcription

Today I am biting the bullet and transcribing my little heart out. I really didn't understand just how much time and energy it takes up. It takes me about 20mins to transcribe 3 minutes of talk. Clearly this is going to take some time. It's actually really hard because you have to be constantly paying attention and listening to every word while typing it out. For someone prone to day dreaming, this is difficult. I don't seem able to do more than an hour at a time. This definitely isn't something I want to do again! My head is aching and my brain feels full of words and unintelligible sounds, I would much rather be researching for an essay or reading for a class. Hmm, I always seem to want to do anything but what I'm doing. I think I'm just ever so slightly temperamental and stubborn. I get cranky when I have to do something, when if it's something I would do if I had the choice. I don't like being told what to do, even if it's me doing the telling.

Holy Moses!

Oh goodness! Today I finally bit the bullet and looked at all my due dates for the year. Holy Moses are they close! It will all be over by the end of October. This is not ideal. But I have drawn up a calender with all my due dates and made them all a week early, and I've written down my priorities for the next month. I think it's do-able as long as I keep it manageable and don't get overwhelmed. I mean I am already achieving things I couldn't imagine months, even weeks, and to be honest days and hours, ago. I handed in an essay yesterday and today I did a presentation. The first presentation I have done alone and the first presentation I have done on feminism outside of the comfort of a gender and women's studies class. It sounds a little crazy to say a 20 minute presentation, worth no marks, has been one of the biggest challenges so far, but it has been.Granted, it wasn't intellectually challenging, but shit was it emotionally challenging. When I was in high school I refused to recite a poem in front of class and I took English literature instead of plain old English because I knew you would have to do a speech. I didn't sleep well last night and this morning I was a mess; I threw my socks on the floor because they were uncomfortable, I almost cried because when I went to tear off a banana from the bunch it peeled itself instead, and I swore bloody murder when I got gunk on the lid of my drink bottle. But I walked to uni in the sun, noticing my breath, the white washing on the line and the kingfisher on the power line. Long story short, I did it.I didn't puke or cry or run off. I answered questions, I gave my opinion and I am proud. Because of this I feel like I can finish the year without disaster and I can do three more presentations without dying.

Your sunshine is oozing

Just before I was studying, trying to write the essay I would finish today, thinking of how badly I wanted to stop for the night, I thought of something I desperately wanted to write down. Now I have stopped studying for the night, I have no idea what it was I needed to write so desperately. I'm tired, it's 10.30 so that's pretty normal.

We had a flat inspection today, which meant I had to clean and tidy and when I wasn't I was thinking about it. But it's over now, we passed, as always. I got an essay back today, one I had been dreading, one I was nervous about going back to uni over, in case the lecturer saw me and said how astoundingly shit it was or even just cast a disappointed look my way. I saw an essay in the box he carried around last week and for most of the lesson I felt as though there was a lake in my tummy, but he didn't give it to me. Today he did, at the beginning of class, he forgot last week. I said 'ohthankyou' quieter and meeker than any fictional mouse*. I slid it under my book. Five minutes later I slid it into my bag. every 10 or so minutes after that I would look in my bag for something, once I even opened the pages a little, peeking down looking for the fateful letter, but I lost nerve. If I felt like I had a lake in my tummy last week, today I had a sea and a torrential storm. At the break I checked my phone, twice, then barely noticing I turned to the back page. There it was. it must be a joke. I was ecstatic! I felt like sunshine was oozing out my face. A - . I must still be a writer at heart because in both essays I have gotten back the comment I am proudest of is "very well written". Although I do like it when they refer to me as a sociologist as well.

I feel tired and I feel as though there are tears in my tummy. i haven't achieved what i wanted (finishing my essay), then again I have achieved other things (another A- and a clean house). I just feel as though I'm not trying hard enough, if i was I would be finished now. But I am a human being, I need breaks, I need food and sleep, and laughter, and hugs. Sometimes I feel like being a human is getting in the way of me getting things done.

*mouses don't talk, they squeek, unless they're fictional.

The silent woman in class

Today in class someone said something (I can't remember what exactly) that was pro gender equality and someone else in my class (someone who I have difficulty with normally) said something anti women in response, which he found uproariously funny. I did not. I bit my lip as my fists grew tighter and tighter and my thoughts became more chaotic. When class was over I walked out as fast as I could without running and didn't look back. I couldn't walk fast enough on the way home, the rubber soles of my shoes slapping against the concrete, icy air numbing my face and ringing in my ears. When I got home I cried. I don't think it was really that that person intentionally said something sexist (although it was so , particularly in a classroom setting, particularly in a class that has discussed the issues of racism (amongst other things) for the last year, and particularly as it was already a male dominated environment) that upset me, but the fact that I kept quiet. I don't know why I go silent, stormy and eventually teary when I am offended, hurt, or don't agree. Why can't I stand up for myself? With the upcoming presentations on feminism I am particularly worried about how I am going to handle, will I be able to say anything at all?

Idea mosquitoes

In the last two days idea's have been zipping around in my head, a little like mosquitoes. Unfortunately, I have to spend all my mental energy on writing this social theory essay, which is already quite past it's deadline. But it is nice to feel as though my mind is working again and it is particularly nice to feel the odd mind explosion opening up my mind and illuminating everything for a second. It makes everything seem do-able, and better than that, it makes me excited to do it. And I'm looking forward to finishing this essay and getting on to the next ones. But for now I am stuck wrestling with feminism and social theory. I know I get to this point on every essay, the point where nothing seems to fit together and it seems impossible to get it done, and I know I always manage to get past this, but knowing it is not the same as believing it. As usual I just gotta keep on truckin' and take my own word for it.

Woeasme

I think I am sick again, or I am still sick. I went to Uni yesterday but I was in such a mindmelty uuuggghhh state there wasn't much point me being there, in fact I felt rude as though I wasn't taking class as seriously as everyone else. Someone asked me a question I didn't hear and when I said 'pardon?' they said something along the lines of "never mind you're not really here are you". I really wasn't. Before I started the walk home I ate a muesli bar which somehow came with dirt included. Once I started walking I got cramps in three different places in my torso and to be honest I started to cry, on the street, crying. I just feel so far on the end of my tether I'm about to fall of and the idea my body was breaking down in another way was just too much. I hobbled my way home (when I could have easily asked Charlie to pick me up and he would have gladly, instead I opted to martyr myself (something I despise in other people)). Once I got home I went to bed, not moving and fell asleep, and that was where I spent most of my day. Today I got up at about 10am (which isn't too bad for me lately) but I have done so little work it feels like a bit of a waste. I am lethargic and absolutely frozen to the bone, in fact it feels as if my bones are ice and are sending frozen air around me. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, perhaps its a woe's me post (I always thought it was woeasme, I'm a little disappointed it's not). Because I don't actually believe anyone reads this I think it is more likely just me needing to vent, writing is a type of therapy for me. And plus I kind of think if I am honest about the hard bits then the good bits will be more real. It's like when I was a teenager and I would tell myself if I wasn't depressed (sometimes) then when things got good I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate them. So I guess I am looking forward to really appreciating being healthy.

An upcomming CHALLENGE

I am starting to feel nervous, very nervous. I am a feminist sociologist. When I think about issues, or when I write essays (no matter what class) I do so from a feminist position. I can't help it, I feel like it is an innate part of me. Most of the time I feel proud of this, I am the only one in my honours year in sociology that does this. Most of the time, I feel like if I don't do this I am letting myself, and womankind down (as wanky as that sounds). I also feel like I would be letting my niece down, even though she wouldn't care less it is really important to me to be a good, strong role model for her. The problem is, in a couple of weeks time I will have to do two presentations in front of my (almost entirely male) class, by myself. I have already opted to do my social theory presentation on feminism and I am thinking of doing my qualitative data analysis presentation on what a feminist data analysis would look like. Having social anxiety makes this difficult enough, particularly seeing as I have found it difficult even going to class at times. But the fact I will be standing up (or sitting, either way standing up metaphorically) in front of everyone and put forward my feminist perspective and opinion. Even thinking about it now I can feel the lump in my throat and the churning sea in my tummy. I just don't know how I am going to so this! But shit it will be interesting to see how I do and shit it'll be a challenge!

A bit of sunshine

Today has been another good day and yet, once again, it followed a night with too many thoughts and too little sleep, and began with me ignoring the alarm and hiding under the covers. And like yesterday I eventually got out of bed and started my day. Miraculously I found my mp3 player and it was fully charged. So today I walked to school smiling, with Bob Marley singing to me about a "punky, punky, punky reggae party* and squinty because of the beautiful glow of a hopeful sun. As I passed the park I was pleasantly suprised to see the daffodils were still peeking out of the soil, I wasn't imagining it. And when I passed the creche I almost squeed** out loud as I saw one toddler help the other zip up their jacket. And today, like yesterday, I really enjoyed my class. I was exhausted by break time but still I was interested in what we were talking about, I thought about all sorts of awesome new things, and I genuinely enjoyed being around people in my class. And when I got home I ate some melty out of the oven chocolate chip cookies.

It seems like my lesson for the the time being is to keep on going. If I stay under the covers I won't get to see the little bits of sunshine.

*Punk Reggae Party -listen to it! I love the way he says punky
**Squee a noise you make or something you feel when you see something incredibly, mind blowingly, adorable. http://squee.icanhascheezburger.com/

Something more positive

Today was my first day back at uni. Since I was 'knee high to a grasshopper' I always found it hard going back to school, I was always struck by this irrational anxiety, and it was no different today, especially seeing as I missed the first week being sick.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep no matter what I tried, I just couldn't turn my thoughts off. This morning I ignored my alarm going off every ten minutes, each time making me jump, and I yelled at Charlie when he told me to get up. Hearing myself yelling at him when he was just trying to help was the fright I needed to get out of bed. I have to say I am a little bit proud, even though it looked a little like rain and I couldn't find my mp3 player I didn't make puppy eyes at Charlie until he took me to Uni, instead I walked (wearing my headphones to keep my ears warm and to look like the cool kids) and I felt good. On the way past the park I noticed the teeny green shoots of daffodils were starting to grow and I couldn't help but feel hopeful.

I enjoyed being back in classes, I enjoyed the discussions and I enjoyed sitting back and watching the show. I spoke up when I felt like it and I wasn't filled with hatred when the person I have difficulty spoke.

Again I felt good and I felt proud.

I have been feeling terrible lately, disregarding being sick, I have felt extra sensitive, socially anxious, stressed, and to be honest a little crazy. But today I have been thinking and it seems that sometimes when you are feeling your weakest you are at your strongest. I have wanted to quit and I have wanted to hide under the covers and even though the temptation is still there, I am 'acting opposite'. This year, doing honours, is the most difficult and testing thing I have ever done and yet I am doing it.

With all these thoughts running through my mind I decided to do something I had been avoiding, getting my essay back and finding out my mark. I went up to the office, I smiled at the office lady, I asked for my essay, I got my essay. I walked rather quickly to the stairs, I walked more quickly down the stairs, my heart was racing, this would be my first mark of the year, I got to about the 6th floor, I started to take a quick peek at the pages, I saw it, A-. I almost squealed, then I almost cried.

I am doing the right thing, I am probably not going to fail the year, and I am proud!

If I can't change the world...

This is a little rant I had at the beginning of writing a social theory essay about the feminist and sociologist:
When I was in high school and thinking about what I 'wanted to be when I grew up' I was drawn to sociology. As an idealistic youth I wanted to change the world and I saw sociology as a way of doing that. Now, as a somewhat disillusioned honours student, I have almost forgotten why I got into sociology in the first place. In much the same way as an idealistic teen I was drawn to feminism, believing I could be a part of the feminist revolution to overthrow centuries of patriarchal domination. Now, as a some whast disillusioned honours student, I have become satisfied working feminist theory into my pieces of work, it isn't quite the 'sticking it to the Man' I imagined as a teen. Although it is clear the younger me was incredibly arrogant to believe myself capable of overthrowing patriarchy and changing the world, it has made me wonder if I'm not going to change the world, why do I want to be a feminist sociologist?

Thank fuck for family and friends

I meant to mention this in the last post but decided it deserved it's own. Thank fuck for my family and friends! I am so incredibly grateful for all the amazing people in my life who have kept me going. It means so much to have your boyfriend read your essays, cook you dinner and do the dishes, and hug you when you need it most. Or to have your sister how proud she is of you. Or to have your mum buy you a a heater to keep you warm and lamp so you can see better when you study or to give you advice and sympathy when you're sick. Or to have your best friend come to stay, happy to do very little while you study, and to be ready to laugh when you're done. And there are so many more, wonderful things they do and many more people who help too. I am where I am because of the people in my life and I thank fuck for that!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I haven't written in a long time and I shouldn't be writing this now, I'm too busy. I'm sick and it feels as if I have been all year. I'm behind, and again, it feels as if I have been all year. I know I enjoy my classes, I know I enjoy learning, I know I enjoy the mind explossions, sometimes I even get excited. But I'm becoming more and more worried about what Honours is doing to me, my body is at the best temperamental, and my mind, or more specifically my emotions, have become much the same. I can't see myself passing this year. I'm scared. I need to see my BA just to reasure myself I have gotten this far. I tell myself and other people it's not the grade but the learning, and not just the academic that counts, but at the moment I'm continually forgeting this. That being said there is a small, golden spec in me that knows I will get to the end of the year and it is very likely I will pass and all I have to do, as that fad slogan says is:

From: http://weheartit.com/entry/10722691

CHALLENGING

Goodness, life at the moment is challenging. As I have told everyone on facebook I have PMS, I'm on antibiotics and I have two very important essay's due. I am grasping onto the word challenging, I need to think of this as a challenge, whether I suceed or fail, challenges make you grow. Words like hard, difficult, impossible, etc are no use to me now. I am doing my best to keep calm, cause stress is no use to me either. I know what I have to do, all I have to do now is do it. As the internet says 'Keep calm and carry on'. I'm kind of suprised by how well I am doing at sticking to that motto. But I know from 3 years experience I can do it, I always get it done. Shit I'm a graduate! Plus I am of the somewhat resigned opinion that as long as I do my best it doesn't matter, I will be proud of myself and the wonderful people in my life will love me no matter what. I am so lucky!

I've Done It!

I have graduated and it feels wonderful. I felt beautiful and so proud. It may have been easy for some to get to graduation but for me it was a real challenge and a journey. I have learnt so much in the last 3 years, so much about myself. I've grown and I'm proud. The ceremony was ridiculous with the costumes, the plugs for the university, the music and the singing in latin. But having my family taking time off work and university to come to see me and celebrate my 'acomplishment' was amazing. It was so special to have (most of) my family there because it is largely because of them I am the person I am now and largely because of them we we're able to celebrate my graduation.

Reading, Writing, Learning

I have been reading alot, as is expected in an honours year. I have been reading for classes and I have been reading for essays. And I am really enjoying it. I am reading about gender and nationalism, and I am reveling in Nira Yuval-Davis' words. I am reading about narrative analysis, and am learning how better to understand peoples stories. I am reading about post-marxism, and critical discourse analysis, and citizenship, and I am enjoying it. It's exhausting, after a certain point my brain says 'No More!' as it has done tonight. But it is similar to the feeling of exhaustion after a good days labour. Except, of course, it's not my body (although that aches sometimes too), but my mind that aches with exertion. I am also learning that when my brain protests and at times when I chose to spend my time doing something other than studying, it doesn't help to stress or feel I am wasting my time. It is much more beneficial for me, my brain and the people I am with if I 'live in the moment' whether I am studying or not. I am writing alot too, and when I am 'in the moment' I am noticing how much I enjoy the physical act. I love the way the pen touches the paper. I love the feeling of each swooping letter. I love the way ink forms letters, letters forms words, words form sentences, sentences form thoughts. I love looking back over the page, the form of letters and words, the composition of the page, even where my left hand has made smudges on the page, my signature. For me each page is like a piece of art. I am reading alot, and writing alot, and learning alot.

Lessons, Passion and Mind Explossions

Today has been a much better day than yesterday. For one thing I went to the doctor and got some much needed antihystamines and nasal spray, goodbye painful itchy eyes, itchy roof of my mouth, and congestion headache that has made me feel as though my head would explode any minute. For another thing I have actually done some work today and learnt the oh so valuable lesson that it is possible to work past the point where it seems impossible to do any work at all. I have been working on my upcoming essay's today and have rekindled a little passion for learning. You know, when you read something and it blows your mind open to all sorts of other amazing thoughts, thoughts you didn't even know were possible. I have to remeber these lessons, the passion, and the mind explossions :-)

The Only Angry Woman in the Room

I am having trouble, at the moment, with being the only women doing an Honours in Sociology, including the lectures. I get angry when I don't get a chance to speak, or perhaps don't feel I have the chance to speak, I'm not sure it matters which. I get angry when feminism or gender is added in as an after thought. I get angry when a man talks about gender or feminism as though they know anything about it. I get angry when they look at me as though I am gender or I am feminism. I get angry because I feel like the token feminist. I get angry because it's not ok to talk about how things made you feel, you have to have a rational argument. I get angry that when I disagree I go quiet instead of speaking out and having my opinion heard. I get angry that I didn't grow up feeling as though I had a voice other people would listen too. I get angry that I go home and cry instead of putting forward a rational argument. I get angry that a part of me wants to fit in and be just like them. I get angry that I notice all this. I get angry that it is a part of my life.

A Strange Place

I am at a really strange place at the moment, in 6 days I will be graduating with a Ba in Sociology and Social Policy. For as long as I can remember I have dreamt of going to University, learning amazing things, and graduating. But that is as far as my dreams have gone (aside from having children one day, and I'm fine with leaving that one for another couple of years). I am at a place where I am continually asking myself: What next? Is this really what you wan't to be doing? Are you sure you can handle this? Are you the person you want to be? Are you the student you should be? Are you the feminist you should be? Are you the girlfriend you want to be? Are you the daughter, the sister, the aunty, the friend you should be? And I am at a place where a lot of my answers to these questions are no. I am at a place where I need to embrace the uncertainty, 'walk like thunder"*, and realise that "I am exactly the person that I want to be." **

*http://soundcloud.com/kimyadawson/walk-like-thunder
** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9WZtxRWieM