An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.