Not well

At the moment I am not well. I am sick, quite sick, I have been sick for over a week and I am only just getting energy back to the point where getting myself a glass of water doesn't feel like a massive undertaking.

But I am still not well, it turns out I'm sick, very sick, and have been getting more so for quite some time, my anxiety and depression has reached what I think is called 'crisis point'. This is terrifying . I don't remember ever feeling this fragile.

I feel as though I am made up of playing cards of tissue paper and I am trying to keep them together in gale force winds.

A while ago we went for a drive around the coast and it got really windy, it was howling and pulling the car from side to side, I watched a seagull sitting in the middle of the road take off, if it is possible for a bird to show uncertainty or even fear, that is what I saw. It rushed up as though being sucked through a giant straw, only to be spat out and thrown across the sky. At first it flapped it's wings trying hopelessly to go in the direction it intended. Then it seemed to resign itself and with it's wings out spread was sent soaring over the hills and out of sight.

While this is a pretty depressing post, the fact I am writing anything at all seems a good sign to me. I have sought help and I am being supported and am starting once more what they call my 'personal wellness journey'. It is still terrifying, perhaps even more so because to let a part of yourself hope for recovery feels a very dangerous and vulnerable thing to do. After a few days of immeasurable support and an exhausting beginning on my 'personal journey' - my mind aches as though it has bush bashed through k's of gorse riddled scrub, crossed icy rivers and dragged itself through heavy snow), I am beginning to wonder if the seagull was not sent soaring but instead was riding the wind.